Friday Confessions

1.  On Wednesday I wore my shirt inside out.  The whole day.  Thank you to the lady who leaned over at the planning board meeting at 6:30pm and whispered, "Is your shirt supposed to be inside out??"

2.  Last weekend, over two days and 6 hours, I mashed 80 boiled, mushy apples through a strainer by hand and all I got was 4 stinkin' quarts of applesauce.

3.  I am now late to work every single day.  The alarm may chime 7:30am, but my body says it's still sleepy time.

4.  Corey was given the silent treatment a lot this week.  I think he likes it.

5.  He is now officially back on the silent treatment for liking the silent treatment.

6.  When the movie Titanic came out in theaters it was just a big snugglefest for my friends and their boyfriends.  I swore I would not see it sans boyfriend, but since I didn't have one for another two years it was to heck with the danged Titanic.  I still have not seen it.  The moment has passed.

7.  I am rooting for SanFran in the World Series because I like looking at the pitcher.

8.  Oliver enjoyed my dinner last night.

9.  I very frequently have to apologize for the lunch remnants I leave on papers I hand my boss for review.  And every other night I spend a good amount of time picking melted chocolate off the butt of my pants.

10.  I'm messy.

...

Happy Friday!

Asparagus: Always the Answer

I am in the middle of what I like to call Brain Funk.

It's when I don't eat my veggies and my brain is unable to make connections to big words I used to know, such as superfluous.

What the heck does that mean?  I remember using it just last week.

Or maybe that was in a college paper...before my brain literally shrunk in size.  Shrunk...shrunck...schruhnk...

During Brain Funk I like to sit and stare.  Without moving.  For hours.

And then I try to do the things I am paid to do, like write letters on subjects I know nothing about.  But the kind of brain power it takes to pull such BS outta nowhere is beyond me.  So I sit and stare.  At my computer.  For hours.

I do think when I'm staring.  About lunch.

Or about the cake sitting in our dirty office kitchen put there by our sloppy office neighbors.

I think about how I can sneak a piece and, surprisingly, my thoughts are clear and concise.

But as my brain is still connected to my arms and legs, the funk does not allow me to move them as stealthily as would be necessary to swipe a piece of Beth's birthday cake without anyone noticing.

So I think about other things.

Maybe I'll cut my fingernails when I get home.

I'm Jimmy McMillen...breakfastlunchanddinner.

Why is it I can only breathe out of one nostril at a time...?

Did Zack and Kelly like each other for real?

I'm not sure I can pull off the jean jacket look.

This is brownie weather.

And so on.  For hours.

Luckily, I have about 5 bags of frozen veggies ready to be steamed in my microwave.  And if I eat all five between dinner and breakfast I may be 1) green, 2) the smartest person you know, or 3) still in a brain funk because lack of veggies was not the problem.

We'll see how it goes.

Free Range Burrito

On the menu for today's lunch: frozen burrito.

Of the burn your mouth because you have to microwave them for, like, an hour variety.

I'm pretty excited about it.

It's organic.  The sucker grew up on a burrito farm in northern Vermont.  Lived a happy life until it was, you know, time to be frozen and stuck in my microwave.

So, we'll see how it goes.

Ten on Tuesday

1. What is your favorite decor item in your house?

Our plants.  We have a bunch of them scattered all over the place.  Aside from bringing life into the room they give us some oxygen, so that's cool.

2. What is your favorite hair product?
A rubber band.

3. Are you a good dancer?
I think I was ok at some point.  But then I graduated from college, stopped drinking and lost all rhythm.

4. You get some good news, who’s the first person you call?
Depends.  Good news at work: Corey.  Good news at home: Mom and Dad.  Good new fart joke: Jill.

5. Would you rather take pictures, or be in pictures?
Now that my narcissistic stage (read: teenage years) is over, my hair is a bit droopier and I have all these little cracks in my forehead, I prefer to take the pictures. 

6. What is your shoe style?

Comfortable.  I am just one more day of wobbling in 3" heels away from a lifetime of Aerosoles, so help me....  Arch support, here I come.

7. How often do you eat out?

Only when Corey and I don't feel like cooking.  So, all the time.  And when it isn't take out, it's hot dogs n' crescent rolls, or cereal and cheese, or chips and ice cream.  We make it work.

8. If someone has food in their teeth, do you tell them?
Food in teeth is embarrassing.  But it is not tucking your dress into your underwear embarrassing.  But in both cases I wouldn't say anything.  I wouldn't want you to know that I know unless I know you then I wouldn't care if you know that I know that you know that he knows that I know....

You know?

9. Do you fold your underwear?
Yes, ever since Oliver ate my dang panty fairies.

10. Milk, dark, or white chocolate?
Yes, please.

I Want UpLIFTing

I am not what you would call "fashion forward."

I'm more of a "fashion circa 1995."

Or "fashion Land's End."

Maybe "fashion shoulder pads and high tops."

But I exaggerate.

No, I am not one to put this top with those pants and this loop-dee-loop with this vest and that scarf over this hair band.

Not because I don't like the look of sassy young things today.  I just don't know how to achieve it effortlessly. 

But in an attempt to take a much delayed step into a probably fading trend, I got me some tall leather boots.

(to ward off any hurt feelings from Corey I should add that he did buy them....with our money....and because he was in the dog house.)

And I went out yesterday in search of skinny jeans.  It took some getting used to, but I started liking the workin'-on-the-farm-in-gunk-so-high-I-need-me-some-tall-foot-protection look.

work it Cameron Diaz.

So to make what was a long story, but then deleted because it was too long, short, I did not end up with skinny jeans.  For some reason the Gap thinks that even though there is much less material needed to make a pair of jeans that clings mercilessly to every single curve, nook, and cranny they can charge as much as they do for normal grown-up pants.  The kind that uses double the fabric and gives your ankles plenty of personal space.

Oh, but they were comfortable.  See, typically when you have to practically paint your clothes on, they tend not to move about.  Which means they aren't riding all up in your business.

The price was just not right.  Instead I left with three sale shirts that are made to be too big.  Go figure.

But, alas, I know those jeans are meant to be mine.  At checkout I was the lucky winner of the random customer survey.

"Fill out your silly little survey and get 20% off my next purchase which will be those jeans I tried on in, like, 20 minutes?  Of course I will!"

Ha.  Little survey my....finger.  After answering questions about where I was, why I was there, what I did, who I saw, where else do I shop, I got this set of questions:

Have you heard of ***** brand?    No.

Have you heard of ***** brand?    Nope.

Have you heard of ***** brand?    Hmmm....thought that was a kind of dish soap.

Where are you going with this, Gap?  Are you trying to tell me something?

What brands do our jeans mostly resemble in fit and quality?

Yeah, ok.  So all of my jeans are so old and worn out in all the right places I can't remember how they fit in better times.  And I've never heard of, let alone own, a pair of 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon or whatever the brand is.  I don't need you to remind me how behind I am in fashion trends.  As you can probably tell by my transaction number I live in upstate New York, the wear-slippers-to-the-grocery-store capital.  So I believe I am qualified to skip this question thanksomuch.

Please answer the question.

Dang, you've got a lotta nerve Gap.  Here I am doing you a  service when all I'm getting out of the deal is a few dollars off a pair of jeans already marked up a-thousand percent and you're going to be all demanding?!

What the heck else could you possibly want to know?!

Touche, Gap.  Touche.  I'll be seeing you Wednesday.

Bulletin: Winter has arrived.

..
....
......

It.  Is.  Snowing!

Let the Christmas songs begin.

"City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed and holiday gear, and on everyone's hat there is Christmas..."

Um...songs we know.

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.  Jack's dog nipping at your toes...."

That's not quite right.

"Rudolph the red nosed reindeer," can't mess this one up! "had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it you would even say it's gross..."

No, I don't think that's how it goes.

"Frosty the snowman, had a very shiny nose..."

Hmmm....no.

"We three kings of Orient are traveling with gifts for baaaa-by Jesus..."

I'd better brush up on my Christmas tunes before I embarrass myself.

Plus, it stopped snowing.  So I have a little extra time to learn the words I've been singing wrong.  All my life.

Friday Confessions

1.  I know my co-worker's sneezing pattern.  I know not to say "bless you" until the second one.  That's weird.

2.  For about a year I've been getting these emails by mistake from a lady who I thought owned a gym and was informing me of the aerobics classes she was leading.  I only recently found out the emails were for felting workshops I  had requested to be notified of.

3.  A man rode by on a bike.  His jeans had built in chaps.

4.  My mom-in-law also works for my boss, but in a different office.  Tuesday I received this call:

"Senator Little's office."

"Hi, can I speak with Ms. Lucas?"

"Uh...............Which one??"

I was caught off-guard.

5.  I say "good" when I should say "well."

6.  Tonight Kimberlie and I are going on a haunted hayride where I will be screaming in her ear and digging my fingernails into her arm because I am the jumpiest pansy there ever was.

7.  I know how to say bathroom in Africaans.

8.  My first time seeing frost I was 11 years old.  I asked my mom if I could stay home to play in the snow.

9.  I drove to my parents' house to use their bathroom yesterday.  Long story.

10.  For my birthday my parents gave me the Pioneer Woman cookbook.  I wanted to do the same for my mom's birthday but have PW actually sign it.  One day late August I realized how little time I had to buy the thing, mail it out, and have it mailed back, so to save time I took my cookbook and mailed it to Oklahoma.

I wasn't trying to save money, I had every intention to buy one to keep for myself after giving my mom mine.  That is, until I received a package in the mail.  It was a cookbook.  Signed for my mother.  Again.

...

Yipee for Friday!