I do realize, Washington DC, you are too busy jumping off your roofs into snow banks, making snow angels, cross country skiing, and not working to take time to read this. I also realize you have no influence on weather patterns, whatsoever. However, I must ask that you stop rubbing in our frozen noses just how much fun you are having with our snow.
Just know, while you walk in your winter wonderland, we walk in brown. Brown, brown, brown. The trees are brown. The grass is brown. And everything else is caked in brown.
We ski on brown. Throw frozen brown chunks of questionable origin. Make forts out of our imaginations.
Oliver rolls in brown. I make brown angels and brown-cones.
"Hey Stace, what are your plans for the weekend?"
"Oh, I think I'll brownshoe!"
It is not as fun as it sounds. Because with all of this brown, we also have cold. The kind of cold you Pennsylvanians can't even pronounce. A cold that forces you to wear long underwear under your long underwear (but I exaggerate, it's probably just me who does this). The bitter cold that lingers in the North Country freezes your soul...and seriously inhibits your vitamin D absorption.
Which is why we get cranky.
Hey, temperate climate Maryland, enjoy your February heating bill. See that number next to the dollar sign? Multiply that by 4. That's what I'm paying without snow. It is just one more unnecessary reminder of this cold brown existence. At least when there is snow I feel that number is justified by the beautiful snowy landscape, endless outdoor activities, and hidden dog turds.
So as you climb up your parking lot snow mountains, think of me standing in an empty parking space. When you build a snowdog for your snowman, think of my dad who is considering a pre-season mow. When you strap two planks from you fence to your feet and slide down to your neighbor's house just for giggles, think of all the people riding the ski lifts on Gore Mountain around and around, waiting for their ski season to begin again. And when you throw your back out shoveling the 20 more inches that are supposed to fall later this week, think of all of us. We are laughing at you.
Time for some vitamin D supplements...