Friday, March 30, 2012

Friday Confessions


1.  I took a mental health day on Wednesday; the one day this week that was supposed to be rainy and miserable.

I did that on purpose.

2.  Then I got mad when the stupid sun came out.  It meant I had to put clothes on and walk the dog.

3.  I watch trash TV when I'm home during the day.  And never was it more trashy than Wednesday: "judge" Gloria Allred heard the case of the "Sex Toy Lady," (as she calls herself) suing her customer for not paying for vibrating panties.

It gets better.  The customer then counter sued for said panties malfunctioning while driving and causing her to crash her truck.

4.  Today is my youngest sister's birthday!  I have no idea how old she is...

5.  When she sees this she's going to wonder why on this day I thought of her after vibrating undergarments.

My deepest apologies, Kimberlie.

6.  I took the bangs plunge on Sunday even though a majority of you told me not to.

You were right.

I look like I did in the 6th grade picture of me hanging in my parents' basement.  I'm trying to get used to them but I'm afraid I made a very bad decision.

You should have done more to stop me....shame.

7.  Sometimes I eat cake balls with wild abandon.

8.  Ditto for Cheez-Its.

9.  I found myself muttering a Saved By The Bell line all morning.  This happens every now and then.

10.  Good Morning America makes me late for work almost every single day.  But in my defense, I'm getting valuable information; like how I can get a song sung by Elmo with my name in it for free. 

That's a savings of $3.50....!


Happy Friday, friends!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Now he smells powder fresh

Last weekend Corey and his buds went out to Vegas for a few days, and since coming home Sunday night he's slowly started to unpack his bag. 

A few things here, a large laundry dump there.

But then this morning as he was reaching into his little black toiletry bag I noticed something out of place.

A little blue something.

Powder blue.

So then I says to myself, I says, "why on earth would Corey have a powder blue anything? This deserves further investigation."

And this is what I found:

"Corey, why do you have this??"

"What?  I needed deodorant for my trip."

"But why women's deodorant?"

".........I thought it smelled a little funny."


Boy's minds work in mysterious ways.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Friday Confessions


1.  Yesterday a man I've dealt with in the office before walked in the door and said, "they haven't fired you yet?"

There are some funny people in the world.

2.  A few years ago I was driving down the highway with my sister, Kimberlie.  She had fallen asleep and I thought it would be hilarious to scream at the top of my lungs.

It was.  She woke up thinking we were dying.

3.  I laughed a little more about it today.

4.  Sometimes I get nostalgic for the 70s.

5.  I was born in the 80s.

6.  Today I'm giving up my Verizon data package for a carefree unattached life with a dumbphone.  Although I'm not yet sure how this will work with my Facebook addiction.

7.  No, no.  I'm not addicted to Facebook.  I just feel the need to check it every twenty minutes. 

And sometimes in between.

8.  I know why this season is called March Madness.  Actually, I've known for....hey Cor, how many years have we been together now?

I've known for what feels like 30 years.

9.  Favorite joke of the moment: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?


It's, um, funnier if you say it.

10.  Every morning I sign on to Blogger and not-so-secretly hope Corey & Stacie went viral while I was sleeping.

"Not today!"

A girl can dream.

That's all folks, happy Friday!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

At least I can read stop signs now


Wanna see something funny?

Walk behind me when I go up or down stairs.

It's hilarious.

I just picked up my new glasses today and my prescription was tweaked slightly; for whatever reason my eye doctor decided I needed to see my feet as much farther away than they really are.  The ground, too.

So when I left the doctor's office I practiced walking with my new, longer legs.  It was like walking for the first time all over again. 

Although, I don't remember the ground making me nauseous the first time.

The joys of being imperfect.

On careers and enchiladas

Corey and I are part of the cool-kids club.

We got ourselves a laptop.

This laptop.

A 15" Macbook Pro.

I'll tell you what, that darned talking dog Youtube sensation never looked so good.

Neither did the metal filing cabinet or the wicker patio furniture set I found on Craigslist.

Because that's why you get fancy computers; to make impulse Zappos purchases and watch online sitcoms while your husband forces you to sit through March Madness.

I kid.

Eventually, I plan to get my graphic design on, which was my whole argument for getting this exact model.  It's better at doing...something.

I need training first.  Obviously.

But then it's off to a semi part-time career in freelance work for independent artists (like me!) and non-profit organizations.  Not exactly where the money's at (excuse me, my preposition is showing), but if it covers my Mexican take-out habit I'll be satisfied.

It's all about putting food in the belly.

Food smothered in mole and enchilada sauce.

And that only took me eight years after my college graduation to figure out.  I mean the career part, I've always known tamales were a way of life.

So if you'll excuse me, I need to go figure out what I'm supposed to do with my right-clicking finger if there is no right-clicker.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I can see your roots need a touch-up

I'm coming to you with a new perspective today, one from four-and-a-half inches above.

Literal inches, not like out-of-body-hovering-over-myself-viewing-the-world-in-a-whole-new-way metaphoric inches.

This girl is the proud new owner of a pair of blue, scaled leather Mary Janes from Anthropologie with a heel that just don't quit.  It was one of the few splurges I will allow myself this year, the others being a new dress for the summer and a flavored latte every other month.  I let myself go a little crazy sometimes.

But I'm able to justify my splurges:
  • I rarely shop for clothes or shoes for myself
  • when I do shop I only buy on clearance
  • my closet is a frump paradise in desperate need of updates
  • I work two jobs, essentially
  • I'm a girl
That last one is important; it's in my genes to want new jeans.

See what I did there?

And now, with my beautiful new shoes I've satisfied an instinctual craving for something pretty, and sassy, and outrageous.  No, I can't actually walk in them, but I can stand in them.

And stand I will.

Until I need to start shopping for my summer dress.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

In ALL seriousness

Dilemma of my lifetime: do I get bangs, or don't I.

And I was pronouncing "dilemma" as "die-lemma" all dramatic-like.

It's what I do.

And bangs are a big deal, people.

It's short hairs on your face.  Short hairs that take forever to grow back if you realize they won't not frizz at the least appropriate time.

Not that there's ever a good time to frizz.

But it's also short hairs that take up that huge span of forehead I've grown.

This is my attempt to hide it with a side-bang, also an early experiment in whether or not I could stand having hair in my face at all times. 

I couldn't.

I've spent 85% of my life with my hair in a ponytail; hair away from my face is like a security blanket.

(And of the remaining: 10% was spent sleeping in curlers for pictures because my mom enjoyed torturing her children with poofy hair, and 5% of the time my hair is "done" and down, but that only lasts 15 minutes.)

But could I stand it if I had no choice but to stand it?

If you are the one male reader who actually made it through to this point let me take you through the Reader's Digest version of what exactly I'm talking about here.  See, a regular bang, the kind I want goes straight across my forehead with slightly longer hairs at the sides.  There are slightly different lengths, of course, depending on the look you're going for; shaggy dog vs. that style where you cut your bangs really short and then dye your whole head pink.

I'm somewhere in the middle.

But the side bang is a total cop-out.  It's like the cheater bang.  If you have a sloppy morning and you can't take the time to pull out every shorter strand of hair from your longer strands of hair to straighten it and make sure it lays at that perfect angle you tuck it in with the other hairs and a bobby pin and throw that shizz up.  In a ponytail.


So I'll repeat my question: if I'm walking around all proud of myself for tolerating a side bang for, like, half an hour at the most, will I be able to stand a bang that can't go anywhere else because I have no other choice?!

Thoughts?  Opinions?  Hopes, dreams, and aspirations?!

Thank you for your time.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Friday Confessions


1.  I'm that awkward dope who fills in pauses in conversation with random facts like:

"Did you know Tom Cruise's name in Top Gun was Pete Mitchell?"

2.  I also used correct grammar in most situations in Jr. High which was the least cool thing I could do.  I believe that is where the awkward began.

3.  I'm blowing bubbles in my bubble gum right now.

4.  And at the same time thinking, "how much longer before I can spit this out without being wasteful?"

5.  Is is colon cancer awareness month everywhere else?  We have all these blue ribbons hanging up all over town to bring awareness to the importance of good bottom health and I can only wonder what made organizers choose blue over the more obvious choice.

6.  A few years ago I was asked to give a radio interview on the importance of colorectal screening.  This is me nervous before the interview, and this is me describing the mess it turned out to be.

7.  Sentences ending in prepositional phrases always remind me of friends my family had when I was younger from South Africa.  We thought they were sooooo cool and proper.  They would say stuff like, "make sure you bring your swimming costume," and "I need to go to the lou."  But then there was "would you like to come with?" and that's just wrong.

8.  I spit my gum out.

9.  I think this is worth mentioning again: when I got my wisdom teeth taken out the doctor hit a nerve somewhere and now the left side of my bottom jaw is numb.  If I don't watch myself brush my teeth I end up drooling all over myself.

True story.

10.  The fashion alert has been posted: Kate Middleton is wearing coral skinny jeans.  You and I can only benefit by wearing coral skinny jeans.

Did you pick up on some sarcasm?

Because I'm completely serious.

No, really.


Happy Friday, friends!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Three's a crowd

Corey left for Las Vegas today.  I think his nerves got the best of him last night.

"Beetle, my stomach hurts.  I need the dog up here on the bed."

"(mumble grumble) ok..."


Our 75-pound Oliver jumps up on the bed and settles in between us.

"Beetle, move over.  You're crowding him."

"But I'm at the edge of the---"


There is something about a man and his dog.

...and there's something about a dog's ability to gain full access to the best spot on the bed.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Hello, handsome

I have a new love.



Incredibly handsome.

And preferably in a size 8, please.

People, this is the boot of my dreams.  Pioneer Woman is giving one pair of the new Fryes away today and I'd prefer it if you did not go over and enter; you'd really spoil my chances.

I just wanted to show you my obsession for the moment.

That's all.

Have a nice day.


But don't enter PW's contest.

Thank you.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Friday Confessions


1.  Funny Google keyword search alert: smiley chicken poo.

What the....??

2.  I am putting my foot down.  No more coffee for me.  I finished off a 16-ouncer yesterday and I said things like, "whas up wit dat?" and my left eyeball almost popped out of my head.

I exaggerate, but I do think I called a congressman's aide a liar.

3.  I have bad caffeine trips.

4.  But at least I didn't hang up on a potential voter.

This week.

5.  In my defense, if you plan to accuse me of calling you a "crack whore" I'm probably going to hang up on you too.

6.  Guilty pleasure: real life crime solving shows.

7.  Guiltier pleasure: a marathon of real life crime solving shows.

It's almost like saying my favorite movie is Silence of the Lambs.


8.  My youngest sister swears my other sister and I told her she was supposed to die when she was born.  I tell her she's completely delusional and that all we said was that she was the mailman's daughter.

9.  Our mailman was a woman.

10.  Today I'm allowing myself to place blame in all situations on solar flares.

"Why did you tell the Senator's constituent to sit on a tack??"

"The solar flares made me do it."


" didn't say any of your lines!!"

"Solar flares.  Not my fault."


"Beetle, why did you hang up on me??"

"Dang solar flares screwed up all the waves and stuff."


Happy Friday!!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Favorite things revealed!


I love swaps.

Love, love, love.

"Get hooked on swaps not drugs," its my new motto.

Shirts to come soon.

Here's how it all went down: I got paired with Jennifer from Life with the Haas'.  She bought for me her favorite things, I bought for her my favorite things, we exchanged packages via the trusty postal system, opened said packages and squealed with delight.

I squealed.  Jen, did you squeal?

AnyChristmasinMarch, the following (in painful detail) is the unveiling of my goodies:

This is my seven pound package.  Seven pounds.

What else weighs seven pounds: babies, large chickens, a five-pound and two-pound weight.  Seven pounds is a lot, is what I'm trying to say.

(more on why blogger does not rotate my pictures at a later date)

Corey was almost more excited than me.  He wanted this to be like Christmas where he presents me with each gift.


So I told him he had to be part of the pictures.

It may or may not have taken us ten minutes and more than five test pictures to get one "approved."

Eventually, we dug in.

Obviously, my swap buddy enjoys a little crazy time.  Slip sliding away?  Um, yes please.

I tried taking pictures of each item as I opened it, but eventually I realized blogger might not be able to handle the load.

Srsly, there was a ton of stuff in that box.

Round one:
  • bubbles wand: I'm thrilled to the point of swearing.
  • He's Just Not That Into You DVD: so funny she sent this; I hated the book, but only because I was in the process of being dumped.  Time has passed and I'm sure I'll love the movie too.
  • Reese's Pieces Eggs: Corey has confiscated these.  He says, "thanks for the eggs Oklahoma!"
  • Weirdo lip balm:  for real, this is the weirdest lip stuff I've ever seen, but I think that's why I love it. 
  • Cosmo magazine: why yes I did have to strategically place items over graphic material!

Round two:
  • scarf: it's brown with every color woven through and I am wearing it today!
  • slipper socks: with grippers on the soles, or worn inside out for some indoor, wood floor skating.
  • comfy socks:  I live in these kinds of socks in the winter and now I have two more to throw into the rotation!

Round three:
  • foot scrub: I needed this like I need air; I'm starting to get older lady cracked, dry feet.  TMI, you're welcome.
  • Goldfish crackers: um, why didn't anyone tell me they made sweet goldfish?!  Thank goodness Jen is here to bring me up to speed.
  • Nutella to go: also confiscated by Corey and I oblige because he lets me share the funny things he says.
  • lotion: smells very pretty and fits in my purse!
  • body wash: it's the same scent as the body lotion my sister gave me for Christmas, which I used this morning.
  • face mask: I love putting myself "in a mask" and this stuff is perfect because you have to peel it off.  Remind me to share my weirdo obsession with picking at peeling, sunburned skin of former and current significant others.
And finally, all together.

So much stuff!

A million thanks to Jen and to Mamarazzi for pairing us up and hosting a favorite things swap party!

It was my favorite.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Conversation is a lost art

I was at the other end of a rant last week.  A rant that did not involve me, but was a little heated and I do believe there were fudge-bombs.  I don't remember why the ranter was ranting but it was a topic that deserved proper rantification so I stood and listened until the following:

"Bippity-boppity stuff that makes me mad, bleepin' bleep!"

"Mmmhmmm, girrrrl."

"And so such-and-such and diddly doo-wop."

"Preach it sista."

"And she probably had her degree in something stupid like Communication."

"Um, my degree is in Communication."

"Of course it is."


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Ten on Tuesday

Time for fun and games with Chelsea's Tens!

1. What are your designated chores in your home?
I make the bed and walk the dog in the mornings, and wash and (sometimes) fold the laundry on Sundays.  I don't do much else because a) I've got felting to do or b) Corey beats me to it.

He loves chores.

2. What is your least favorite chore to do around the house?
I hate dishes so much I'm shaking right now.

3. What was your designated chore growing up?

4. Did you get paid to do chores or was your allowance connected to you completing your chores?
I didn't get paid nor did I get an allowance.  But if I remember correctly, I did manage to get everything I needed and some of the things I wanted.

Some things.  I never did get my Barbie Jeep.

5. If you had a bit of extra money, would you hire a cleaning person or would you save the money for something else?
I don't mind cleaning.  In the right mood and with the right toothbrush, I can have myself a good time.  And I'd rather spend $40 on a good pile of food.

6. What chores will you make your kids do around the house?

7. How frequently do you do laundry? Wash your sheets? Dust?
I wash our clothes every week and our sheets every two weeks, if not sooner.  There's only two of us but somehow we manage to create a lot of laundry. 

And I know I don't dust. you dust??

8. Do you have a designated “chore day” during the week?
Just laundry day, Sunday.  Otherwise, Corey does dishes three times a day, he vacuums twice a week when the mood strikes and one of us will clean the bathroom when the spittle on the mirror starts to impede the view.

9. What is your favorite chore–if such a thing exists?
Vacuum.  I love watching the little dog hair tumbleweeds disappear and the sound of dirt being sucked up is like music to my ears.

10. Do you do anything to help pass the time while doing chores (music, TV, etc.)?
I sing to myself, sometimes I dance, otherwise I watch TV.


This was fun, but I'm not sure Corey likes a reminder of just how little I do around the house.


Monday, March 5, 2012

Weekend Wrap Up: a Murder Mystery Weekend

Here's a whopper of a weekend wrap up for you:

I did a play.

And then I did a play.


And now it's Monday again.


Yes, for me as well.  But this amazingly complicated schedule took its toll and I was falling asleep at 7pm last night.  Sunday night.  As in the night I revive my very real fear of zombies taking over the world.

So I woke myself up by diving into a very exciting pile of laundry until my show started at 9pm.

For the record, I am not happy about Dale's departure, however if he had to go the show's creators could have at least let him become a zombie and take Shane out with him.

I'm just sayin'.

But what was I really saying?

Yes, weekend show....yes.

Here is the synopsis of Murder at the TonyLou Awards (and my life for the past 7 weeks):
  • guests arrive for cocktail hour
  • celebrities arrive on red carpet
  • interviews
  • "who are you wearing?"
  • dinner
  • mingle with celebs
  • sinister laughing
  • flubbed lines
  • awards
  • flubbed lines
  • awards
  • sinister laughing
  • someone dies
  • "whodunnit?"
  • "she/he dunnit"
  • bow

We do, actually, present more of an exciting write up for the press and for those who are, you know, interested in coming.  You, my friends, get the Reader's Digest version.  But this is what we do, and we'll do it next weekend, the weekend after that and the Friday after that.

And then, you'd better believe it, I'm taking myself a full-day siesta.

Don't even bother me unless my eyebrows are on fire. 

In that case, put 'em out quick so I can get back to Matlock.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Friday Confessions


1.  I went to the eye doctor this morning and walked out with a sample pair of contacts on my eye balls to try out for a week.  After going exclusively glasses for four years I am now finding myself still trying to push them up the bridge of my nose.

2.  Would that be "phantom glasses"?

You know, like "phantom limb"?

Bad taste, Stacie.

3.  It's kinda like in college when I finally took out my nose ring but kept sticking my thumb up my nose anyway to make sure the screw part wasn't sticking out.  Finger in nose with nose ring: normal.  Finger in nose without nose ring: weirdo booger picker.

4.  Why, yes I did almost drop my phone in the toilet last week.

Thank you for reminding me.

5.  I made a habit out of accidentally dropping important things in toilets several years ago; underwear, bunny tails, etc.

6.  For some reason my headlights are not lasting more than a few months before burning out.  Yesterday while circling a parking lot an old man passing me motioned for me to roll my window down:

"Your headlight is out."

"Oh, I know.  Thank you."


"Um, ok...."

7.  People in this area a very serious about headlights.  I would like to say this is the only time I've been yelled at by strangers for this reason.

8.  Last year a disabled couple I let cross the street in front of me turned around and with their gums clenched told me in so many words to get myself to the nearest auto repair shop and have my dead bulb replaced immediately.

9.  Tomorrow I send out a package of my favorite things to my blog swap buddy Jen.  Like me, she has a blogAnd she writes goofy things.  I'm half expecting to get exactly the same things in return.  Which would be more than alright because if I'm sending her my favorite things and she's sending the exact same things I would then be receiving my favorite things.

It's simple mathematics.

10.  Two-for-one confession: I gave up sweets for Lent but am having an ultra-blech week so I broke down and ate two small pieces of a giant chocolatey chocolate, heavy on the chocolate, cake.  Perhaps a slight punishment from above, the little leftover piece of frosting I just could not finish smells like feet and armpits.



Have a lovely weekend and may all your dreams come true!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

It's the sound of love...and angry beavers

It's almost hilarious how loud and chaotic our house is.


As in "I would find this hilarious if I wasn't crying from sheer frustration-slash-exhaustion from needing a friggin' minute of silence already".

Equally knee-slapping funny: my house consists of myself, one grown man and a dog.

And possibly a nest of centipedes yet to come out of hibernation.

So between Corey and Oliver I find myself in a never-ending cacophony of ultra-loud talking, licking of one's privates, blaring music, random gibberish and the shaking to death of Christmas Bear.  At some point you would think one or both of them would tire and curl up in a ball at the foot of the bed.


That never happens.

There is always a  panting head hovering withing five inches of my face at all times, and I am never unaware of Corey's location in our apartment:

"What time is your meeting?.....WHAT?!" shouted from the bedroom.


"Who was on the phone?.....WHAT?!" shouted from the kitchen.

These days I come home around 10pm and I find all of the questions and gibberish and licking and panting are bottled up and saved just for me in that magical hour of 11 o'clock which I normally devote to, you know, sleeping.


But deep down, like way down in there, past my secret love of Hootie and the Blowfish and sleeve tattoos I know this is just how the boys show me I'm missed.

And loved.

And special.


...but I really would like my sleep back.