I'm going to come right out and say it: I need a kritter.
A fuzzy little kritter that eats, drinks, and is excessively neurotic, like me.
Something I can chase around the table, bark at, maybe even snuggle with when no one's looking.
Just not a hamster or gerbil. They look like furry turd chunks.
Or a guinea pig. Too hairy, too paranoid.
I do like chinchillas, or as I call them: balls.
And I like squirrels, especially for dinner with a marmalade glaze and side salad.
But please no mice, rats, or raccoons. Cute, scary, cute (respectively), but nasty scavengers.
I would prefer a meerkat, because they're fidgety like me and can sing.
But I could settle for a regular cat that sleeps all day and claws at my face.