Friday, February 25, 2011

Friday Confessions

1.  We send Oliver-dog to the groomers every now and then.  And sometimes that visit is scheduled for a stay-home-in-my-own-stank days.  The kind where you sit in pjs and take not one step out into the real world (except of course to drop your dog off).  On these days, and last Saturday, when Oliver came home he was cleaner than Corey.

2.  And Corey was proud of it.

3.  Speaking of cleanliness, on Tuesday I caught myself putting toothpaste on his toothbrush.  I am scared to think how many times I've gone all the way.

4.  Not that Corey is a dirt bag.  But I think we can all agree that a person's plaque should remain with him.  Or her.

5.  Thanks to DVR I think I can rewind everything.  Like the radio.  Or last Sunday when I caught myself day dreaming during the pastor's sermon.  I came to and thought, "What is he talking about? I'll just rewind."

6.  This is like when I see a cop while I'm on my cell phone.  Instinct tells me to drop the phone immediately to avoid a $150 fine.  I now do this while sitting in my office.

7.  People have been flashing their lights as I pass by for weeks now.  I only realized last week that my headlight is out.

8.  Tuesday night I had a band nightmare.  Everything was going wrong: I didn't have my music, spit/condensation kept dribbling back into my mouth, and I forgot my scales, and I could no longer play.  Ms. Duffy and Mr. Jones were there and they were giving me the eye.  Folks, if you don't know the Concord Marching Minutemen game, you can't possibly know the terror.

Got the chills just now.

9.  I also had a dream that the nicest person I know (I say that about a lot of people, so don't be offended if I gave you this title, too.  I'm not stripping you of it, you just share it with just about everyone I know) was my HR director.  She called me into her office and told me she was taking away my internet privileges because I abused them.  When I woke up I experienced a brief "did that really happen?" moment, but quickly got over it.  I went to work and did a Google search of Goldendoodles.

10.  Our neighbors very discreetly started leaving an air freshener in the hall outside our doors.  I only just realized it's probably because we take off our wet shoes and leave them outside our door.  They think we have stinky feet!  I'm so embarrassed...

UPDATE: Yes.  Our feet do stink.  I stuck my nose in one of Corey's shoes and it was, in fact, the sour milk smell I assumed was coming from our neighbors.


Enjoy your day!  I will be wondering if I made a mistake in driving to work in this snowstorm.  Hooray for 4-wheel drive!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Debate Continues

Play catch up: Yesterday I featured a comment from an anonymous submitter who is requesting American men boycott American women.  I figured Mr. Anonymous was just sending out mass comments, not really taking the time to see who his targets were because:
  1. I'm a lady.  And I'm married, which is the main topic of the blog.  I have no need to boycott any woman.  I'm, uh, not in the market for one, I guess you could say.
  2. The post he commented on was not a Corey-basher, but more of a "I'm going to poke fun because he's just so cute."
So I plastered his comments in my post. 

But then I got a follow-up comment.

You can go look if you want.  I'll give you a brief summary: American women are terrible and men don't want us.

More specifically: American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc.

Raise your hand if you are a tad offended by this horrible over-generalization.

The earth shifts a little because of the mass thrust of hands in the air.

Raise your hand if you personally know anyone like this.


Just wait one second.  So every woman that you know and every woman that I know is perfectly normal, respectful and, dare I say, decent? 

Well there's some news.


Now that that's settled, I'm not going to further his cause by saying anymore.  If Mr. Anonymous is still lurking about, he can just sit tight with his opinions to himself because as an American gal I'm going to selfishly hold on to my opinion that he doesn't know what the crunk he's talking about.


The End.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Apologies and Eye Rolls

First, let me apologize to Corey for painting him an insensitive, unsympathetic, flea-bitten muffin head in Monday's post..

Ladies, we are a tad sensitive about our weight at times.

But this time I wasn't.  I thought what he said was funny.  I only cracked him upside the head because the nurse gave me the "you better put your man in place" look.

For that I also apologize.

Now, here is a true muffin head.  Taken straight from the comment section of a previous post.  I was equally amused and "ppsssshhhh (eye roll)," whatever emotion that would be.


Why American men should boycott American women

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

Laugh with me.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Ten on Tuesday

I always seem to link up to the Ten on Tuesday party late.  Hey, Stace, you know you can do these things Monday night.  Yeah I know.  I also I know I shouldn't sit around and watch what happens to Zack and Kelly in the morning but that doesn't seem to stop me from being late to work every.  single.  day.

Anywho...on with Tuesday!

1. What are your thoughts on Valentine’s Day. Do you love it? Hate it?
I'm indifferent.  I can't say I hate a day that traditionally brings me flowers and gifts (like the flowers still sitting on my desk, thanks Corey!) but I'm married now.  I expect that stuff every day.

2. What is your favorite romantic comedy?
So, so many to choose from!  I will admit I love J.Lo movies.  I own most of them, the romantic comedies, I mean.  Then there was The Back Up Plan....bad reviews from critics, excellent reviews from me.

3. Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp: what’s your first reaction?
Eh.  She did something funky to her lips and now I don't like her so much.  She can do whatever she wants as long as she doesn't in any way ruin Sleepless in Seattle for me.

4. All time favorite poem or quote?
This is going to be a popular one from my guy Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

5. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve gone without sleep? (like consecutive hours).
I know I pulled all nighters my freshman year in college, but as that was kind of a fuzzy time I don't remember many details.  I think it was more of a "this is what you do when you're a big girl, so I'll just make sure I take all night to make this paper bag hat."

6. What color ink do you prefer to use?
Blue.  Black ball point pens just don't feel right.  However, I prefer black ink when using a felt tipped pen.  It's weird.

7. Share with us a blog that you recently found and fell in love with (and link us!)
I just found Jenny over at Life Between the Trees.  It's cute, and I love how positive she is.  And knowing she's from the south I can't help but to read her posts with an accent.

And then I happened to stumble on a blog that I will not direct you to.  More on that tomorrow.

8. If you could be on a reality TV show which one would you choose?
I told Corey we need to be on that HGTV show where the couple buys their first house.  In the (possibly) near future we will be buying a house, and at this point we want the exact opposite things.  Lately, to settle our differences we've taken to wrestling matches where he uses his strength and I use my nails.  Now who wouldn't watch that show??

9. Mountains or Beach?
Both, please.

10. With the Oscars around the corner, what’s your pick for best picture?
Um, the good one...?  I actually have no idea who's nominated.  I'm too concerned with the new Johnny Depp movie coming out.  The one where he's the lizard sheriff.  It might even be nominated...I dunno.


Bye now.

Monday, February 21, 2011

And then he makes me crazy

Back in December Corey went with me to an appointment with my doctor.  He thinks I pooh-pooh serious ailments, like when I had swine flu and it felt like I was being stabbed in the chest and refused to go to the ER, so he likes to go and make sure I give the doc all the facts.

So there we go, back to the weigh station.  I hand him my coat and my purse.

Now remember, he's there for 1) moral support, and 2) to be helpful in solving some possible problems.

I step on the scale.


I remember the big dinner I had the night before and, oh yeah, not exercising for an entire month.

Then Corey says:

"Wow.  I don't know why people think you're only 100 pounds."

I'm thinking of nominating him for Mr. Sensitivity 2011.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Corey Makes Me Laugh

Corey says funny things.  You know that.

But did you know that, according to him, he says those things on purpose?

Yeah, I don't believe it either.

Which is what I told him.

"Do you honestly think I think pee comes from a uterus??"

Yes.  Sometimes I do.


Maybe you remember a commercial a few years ago that included several wild animals, a car, and some classic Neil Diamond.  Also known to Corey as the funniest thing ever.  It isn't every day you see a singing wolf.  I'll give him that.  But I would have to say squirrels fist pumping are much cooler.

So everyday for about four months I heard this version of the commercial:

"Rock me gentle, rock me smoothly..."

Sometimes very gently, and sometimes in his 7pm voice.  But that's all he could remember, or half remember anyway.

How someone from his generation could not remember the words to this song is beyond me.  But that's neither here nor there.

Again, I have no idea what that saying means.

So to this day I can't sing the song correctly, not because I can't can't, but because the amended version is just so stinkin' cute!

Kinda like how I can't sing (like I ever would anyway) All-4-One's hit "I Swear" any other way than:

"I swear by the moon and the justice for all..."

You can thank my sister Kimberlie for that gem.  I do.

Friday Confessions

1.  Sometimes I forget to keep track of things I need to confess.  Like this week.  Sorry in advance for the gobbledygook, or lack thereof, to follow.

2.  The measured weight of my shampoo is 10.5 Fl. oz.  I read this as ten point five floppy ounces.  Because in my book, the abbreviation "FL" is always floppy.

3.  In this weather my car goes from zero to sixty in five minutes.

4.  I threw an apple in my purse, not knowing it would be swimming around in there with about eight perfume samples from the weekend.  It tasted very much like Jimmy Choo's newest fragrance.

5.  Corey threw out a jar of hot fudge that had at least a third still left.  I may or may not have had a minor meltdown.  But in my defense, when you're looking forward to hot fudge, chocolate syrup is just not an adequate substitute.

My dad will agree.

6.  Speaking of my dad, we went out to breakfast this morning.  I had the French toast...just like when he would take me out for breakfast Friday mornings when I was in fifth grade.


7.  I've taken to defending Justin Bieber when slammed by co-workers, friends, people in line at the grocery store...

8.  I'm jealous of people from the south.  They have these cute little sayings that make any bad thing sound cute.  Up here we just say what we're thinkin':

down there: "That girl is just two chickens short of a pot pie...y'all!"

up here: "She's dumb."

down there:  " Well slap me silly at sunrise!"

up here:  "I'm shocked."

down there:  "You'll love it so much you'll wanna slap yer mama!"

up here:  "It's good.  Trust me."


9.  Because TV people are making more shows that are super sappy and aimed at emotional weirdos like me, my family thinks I'm preggo and just full of raging hormones.

10.  I emailed a friend of mine about my busy day and how tired I was.  I tried to write that I crawled in bed at 11pm but I started typing "crap."  I know this is a little too much poo talk for one week, and I swear I'll take it easy for a day or two, but think about how that would have turned out...I crapped in bed?!? 


Sheesh, tough crowd.


Ten.  That's all folks.  But I'll be back.  There's a song Corey sings totally wrong I wanna tell you about.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Day Off Re-cap

Oooo childs, am I exhausted!  I can't even tell you how exhausted I am!

But I think you know I'll try:

I'm pretty exhausted.

You probably felt my void yesterday, cried in my absence, and what-not.  But little did you know I was suffering right along with you.

Not really.  I was loving every single second of my twelve-hour, non-stop, frantic, jam-packed day.  No Lifetime Movie Network for this lady.  There was a dog to walk, jewelry to alter, a DBA to acquire, lunch with Corey, brownie bake-off invitations to print, cut and deliver, a mom to chauffeur, capping ceremony to attend, dinner to consume and a sister's future mother-in-law to embarrass.

A true 7am-11pm day jam packed full of everything I would have wanted to do even if I did have a choice.

The only problem is that by 6:30am today I felt like I had just died.  And then at 9am I still felt dead.  And now at 2ish I am just starting to revive myself only because I am leaving in a few short hours to pick up my dad and raid his cafeteria for a couple carrots (read: big, fat brownie).

But I will survive.  I always manage to.

A few things to mention from yesterday:
  • I am now an official maker-and-seller-of-jewelry, see right (shameless plug).
  • And am sometimes referred to as an artist, as in "You'll be the artist of the month..."  Whoa.  All I do is play with wool...
  • My sister earned her nurses cap last night in the traditional capping ceremony.  I am beyond proud.  Like "ohmigosh my sister can now do things I couldn't even imagine doing" proud.
  • But let's be honest, both sisters are way better than me.
  • When I say we embarrassed Katie's (the capped sister) future mother-in-law I mean we left nothing in the arsenal of "stuff you shouldn't say/do when meeting someone for the first time."
  • Like talking about the poop version of pee catheters: according to my dad they are called flexi-seals.
  • My dad knows about poop catheters because he buys supplies for hospitals.  I know you were wondering.
  • I would not be happy with a less than open version of my family.  We're loud.  We're proud.  And we're often inappropriate.
The.  End.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Ten on Tuesday

Time to think about summer! 

(Except for those of us living in the northeast tundra.  We'll be there in about six to eight months...)

1. Any vacations you are looking forward to this summer?
I live in a place where you vacation to in the summer.  It's actually pretty perfect here.  What I look forward to are vacations when it's nasty-cold.  Like right now.

2. What is your favorite article of summer clothing (shoes are included)?
I really can't remember what is in my summer wardrobe.  I haven't seen it since September.  I vaguely remember there might be a pair of shorts...?  And I'm pretty sure I have a flip flop, or two....??

3. What is your favorite summer drink (alcoholic or non)?
I'm one of those who says, "Ooooo, that pina colada looks deeee-vine!  I think I'll have a glass of water."  I drink water 99.8% of the year.

4. Do you tan or burn?
Neither.  I live in SPF 50.

5. Any goals you are working toward this summer?
Oh I have an entire 24 month plan that was just approved by Corey.  But to make a long story short, I'd like to be in a house by this summer.

6. What is your favorite summertime food?
The kind that tastes good.

7. What song most says “summer” to you?
LFO's Summer Girls.  And the Thong Song.  Don't judge.

8. Any home improvement goals planned for this summer?
See number 5.  Must have home to improve first.

9. What is one thing you hate to see at the beach?
Seaweed.  The stuff freaks me out.  When it's washed up on the beach it looks gross, and when it's in the water and brushes your leg you don't know if it's a four-ton shark waiting to eat you.

Oh, and speedos.

10. Did you ever go to a summer camp?
Hecks yeah.  I did church camps, sports camps, band camps, summer school (by choice, nerd alert).  I was on the go 100% of the time.  Which is probably why I'm so tired now.

Owning vs. Renting: The Debate Continues

Warning: Don't read this if you are eating/planning to eat in the very near future oatmeal or a bean burrito.


With our very own house and our very own yard, Corey and I can let the dog out in two stinkin' feet of snow, let him do his business, then leave the frozen turds there as long as we want without having to worry about busy-body neighbors running to our landlord and forcing him to send a "just so you know, you have to pick up your poop" letter in the mail. 

I won't have to bundle up in my snow pants and boots, grab a shovel to chip away at poo-rocks, letting the handle hit me in the face when the tip hits a particularly stubborn chunk.

This is all hypothetical, of course.

But wouldn't that be nice?

Monday, February 14, 2011

Weekend Wrap Up: NYC Edition

Corey and I got away over the weekend.  We had a mini-holiday as I sometimes like to say.

In a British accent.

As we're a hop, skip, and 2 hour drive plus 45 minute train ride away from New York City we decided to head down for the day on Saturday.  It was our Valentine's Day gift to ourselves.  But then there was an additional Valentine's Day gift for me when we found the Anthropologie store in Rockefeller Center.

More on that in a minute.  There is news to report:

I am afraid of bridges.  This is news to you.

Especially bridges that go on for several minutes and are in the same condition as a bridge north of here that had to immediately be shut down and dismantled.

Oh, and when a certain husband is hurtling across said bridge at the speed of light I tend to wonder in the form of screams whether or not the concrete barriers will hold us crashing into them at a million miles per hour.

But I exaggerate.

We were going the same speed as everyone else.  Which is still too fast everyone else.

Fortunately, the thing held on for two more days and we are obviously still alive.


We did our usual park at the train station in Tarrytown, take the train into Grand Central Station, find the Two Boots pizza stand, order and consume three slices of the greasiest pizza this side of the Mississippi, complain of stomach aches, then head out into "the jungle" routine.

Immediately upon entering the jungle we ran into a homeless, one-legged gorilla (and by gorilla I now mean a person, and since I mentioned it I'm going to start referring to the city as the city so as not to confuse us all any more).  There were so many people around I just didn't have time to stop, pull out my wallet, dump out the three dollars I happened to have into his little styrofoam cup and then lecture him about the damage to the environment he was causing by using a styrofoam cup.

I would have been trampled.

But I'm still thinking about him.  Hoping he's doing ok without my three dollars...and my lecture.


So we move on down the street.  In the direction I was certain would lead us to Anthropologie.  It didn't.  I was taking us in the exact opposite direction.  But eventually we found our way to 5th Avenue, and more specifically Saks 5th Avenue.

Corey's ears were cold.  And it was on our way.  And every girl should know what the inside of Saks looks like at some point in her life.

I now know.  It is glorious.  And completely hands-off.  By choice.  T-shirts are approximately $400, and I'm just not in the financial position to be forced into buying something I accidentally left greasy fingerprints all over (remember, pizza?).  I did end up with something, though.  And it cost me nothing:

Perfume samples!!

I have so many of the little suckers shoved into my purse right now you'd think your Gammy was here.  First they'd give one to Corey, then to me, then another one for Corey, then one for me.  Obviously, we were together and only needed one sample.  But I have a hard time saying no to things being thrust at me.  Which is why I also have several coupons for nail salons on 75th Street and coupons for a bar called O'Finnegans.

After several discreet consultations with Google maps on my phone (it's not cool to be all touristy) we found Rockefeller Center.

Here's proof.

Then, something magical happened.  And I had a front row seat.

That's a guy and a girl.  They're skating all by themselves.  You know where this is going.

She says, "Henry, what the heck are we doing out here all by ourselves??"

And he goes, "Well Lucille, I thought I'd ask you to marry me....RIGHT NOW."

And all of blog world says, "awwwwww..."

Except for Corey.  Who said, "This is so cheesy."

PS. That's not the actual conversation, in case you couldn't tell by the not-so-frequently used names.

PPS. These are zoomed cell phone pictures as we actually weren't that close.  And yes, I did feel a tad weird taking pictures of someone else's moment, but I knew I have a doodie to report the events as they unfold.

She said yes.  I'm assuming.

Because this doesn't look like a, "See ya later, creep!" smooch to me.

"Oh yeah, I gotta put this thing on your finger..."

Again, in unison: "AWWwwwwwWWWww."

Aaaaaaand then we went to Anthropologie.  Because you can't experience romance vicariously through others forever.

By the time I hit the sale rack I'd completely forgotten about Hank and Lucy, or whoever they were.  I had found a plate.

Yes, most people shop here for their clothes.  I was looking for funky dishware.  And I'm kickin' myself in the pants for not taking pictures.  Eventually you will see my three new plates and you will think to yourself:

What the heck does she need a plate with picture of bugs on it??

I'll explain later.  But that was my V-day gift.  And I love it.  Them.

Not long after we had to get back on the train to make our dinner reservation in Tarrytown.  There isn't much more to report because:
  1. Not much more happened.
  2. This has already turned into a super long post.
  3. I sense several of you have dropped out.
Dinner was delish.  I had a glass of wine and became incredibly hot and giggly.  Corey and I crammed our faces full of desserts we bought earlier at the train station while watching the oh-so-romantic Scared Straight on A&E in our hotel room.  Then we fell asleep with stomach aches.

Awesome day.

Ooops.  That was just Saturday.  Lemme give you Sunday: woke up, drove home, picked up Oliver-dog, did laundry, made felt balls, fell asleep to Matlock.

The.  End.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Friday Confessions

1.  I (heart) Jesus.  But with all seriousness, He's awesome, and perfect, and still loves me even when I get really mad and call constituents two-bit monkey snatchers.

2.  I have not confessed any wardrobe malfunctions lately as the temperature outside has consistently been below freezing and I am forced to wear multiple layers.  All over.

"Ohmigosh, look!  That girl's fly is down!  You can see her....pants?  No big whoop."

3.  Long story long: If I'm woken up in the middle of the night I can't go back to sleep.  So usually I make a scene out of having to collect myself (pillow, glasses, phone) to take to the couch where I let the TV lull me back to sleep.  Early last Friday morning Corey was talking to the dog and it woke me up.  I grabbed my phone, checked my emails, made a stink about being awake, and started collecting my stuff.  But I couldn't find my glasses.  I feel around.  Nothing.  I turn my phone flashlight on.  Nothing.  I finally turn the lights on (not really worrying about making him mad as he was the one who woke me up in the first place) look around where they usually are.  Nothing.

"Hey Beetle.  Your glasses are on your face."

4.  The speakers in my car are acting funny.  My solution: "maybe I should just get a new car."

5.  My mom sent me a link to a video stream of a bald eagle nest and I would be lying if I said I haven't tried tapping my computer screen to make her move.

6.  I'm known for my drooling capabilities.  In college I had a pillowcase that was made of a material that when in contact with spit it changed color.  Essentially, the thing looked tie-dyed by the end of my freshman year.

7.  I hate loud noises.  I would go so far as to say loud noises cause anxiety: I squirm when the TV is too loud, I wore ear plugs when I used our old vacuum, and I put my hand over Corey's mouth in the mornings when he uses his 7pm voice.

8.  I get my news from Saturday Night Live spoofs.

9.  Someone on facebook mentioned I talk about food a lot.
10.  I may or may not have had a  buzz at a church meeting last night.  But in my defense, those were the only markers I could find.
Have a lovely weekend, friends.  Corey and I will be in NYC, or as people here call it, "The City."  Don't envy me. (wink)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

One Big Digression

Whoopsie...I just noticed I forgot to post something today!

I can't imagine the torture I've put you through.  How inconsiderate of me.

And even more inconsiderate: I don't have anything to say.

How often does that happen??

I know.  I'm very rarely without words.  Look, even without words I'm managing to write words about not having any.

But this is where it ends because I'm super busy.

Letters to write.

Brownie bake-offs to plan.

Tweets to send out to the masses (read: 17 people).

...did you know I'm on twitter now?  Yes, I was peer pressured by someone who will remain nameless (but not link-less!)

Just kidding.  I mean about the peer pressure.  It's fun, but I made sure to let everyone (read: 17 people) know early on that I do not hold back fart-talk.  Because you just never know with some people.

Like my future brother-in-law, who has a hard time with dog doo.  So I leave out stories of college-Stacie smearing fresh doo on the windshield of a car that was parked in her space.

Don't look at me like you know how hard it is to park in the Purdue village??

But I digress.

And now I must type, and fax, and chat with angry tax payers.

See you all tomorrow for some corn-fessions.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Today's Events: The Do's and Don'ts Edition

This is what I wanna do today:
shop for houses
eat warm cookies and dunk them in milk
play in the snow
blog (check)

This is what I don't wanna do today:
explain why retirement benefit deductions have increased
listen to people yell at me
try to write letters and not use the word "stuff"
talk politics

Want another list?
I have weird flaps on the tops of my ears
I'm wearing four shirts and am still cold
organic frozen burritos are pretty good
my dog talks in his sleep

Ok.  Time to go do work stuff.

Dog Whisperer...Or Not

Corey and I chat every now and then during the day, sometimes on the phone, sometimes online.

Usually the dog comes up.

"So Oliver called, he's having chest pains."

It's nonsense.  Obviously, but we have a lot of fun seeing how far we can take the conversation.

Like yesterday:

"I talked to Oliver, he said there's a leaky faucet."

"Yeah, I know.  I just told him to call Jack."

"Oh ok, because I told him to go down to the Stadium for a drink and forget it."

"He's meeting Jeter there (corey's friend's cat)."

"Oh great."

"He's fine."

"No, that guy has terrible language.  Probably gets it from his dad."

...and so on.

Later, on the phone we laughed about the whole conversations.  Then Corey asked me:

"You do realize neither of us talked to the dog today?"

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Ten on Tuesday

...random questions.  I love me some random questions!

1. What’s your favorite kind of donut?
This might be stating the obvious, but I like an old-fashioned chocolate cake donut with chocolate frosting.  But, honestly, I will eat just about any donut you put in front of me.

2. Do you use the snooze button?
No.  1) if I'm going to let myself "snooze" until 7am, I'd like to actually sleep until 7am, and 2) I don't even know how to work the button on my alarm.

3. Do you write in cursive, print, or a combination of the two?
I combine them into something you might see from your fourth grader.  I'm not quite sure it says a 28-year-old wrote this.

4. Tell us a joke.
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?  A:  Where's my tractor?!

C'mon, did you expect anything less from me?  For that, I'll give you my favorite.  Maybe you've heard it:

Q:  What was the last thing that went through the bee's mind when it hit the windshield?  A:  It's butt!

Ahhh, there it is.  Always poop, butts, and farts with her.

5. How many languages do you speak?
Uno.  I did a few years (read five) learning Spanish, but I can't speak it.

6. Why did you start blogging?
To share all our wedding antics.  Then to share our newlywed antics.  As you can see from this morning's post we never run out of material.

7. Do you use bar soap or liquid body wash?
Body wash.  And I love, love, love the smell.  Although today I smell like a man.  Let me explain: I ran out of shampoo and was forced to use Corey's hair and body wash.  I don't know why they put those two together, but it smells really strong.  And manly.

8. Do you buy bottled water?
I prefer not to buy the little bottles.  Corey and I buy gallon sized bottles because our city water makes me gag.  But I drink so much I think we can upgrade to the fancy water cooler size.

9. What did you think of the Super Bowl Half Time Show?
Um.  I was watching a movie and doing laundry.  But I heard Corey singing and dancing to it, so I'm assuming it was great.

10. How do you feel about Steve Carell leaving The Office?
I'm not gonna lie, I was in a funk for about a day and a half when I heard the news.  But I think the show is more than just Michael Scott, and there are plenty of doofuses to exploit.

I have to say, though, that if this season doesn't end with Michael and Holly getting back together for good I just might lose all hope in humanity.

You know?


On that note...happy tuesday!  (or thursday for those of us who thought yesterday was

Morning Adventures

How you can tell Corey and I are still semi-newlyweds:

"Hey Corey, it looks like we only got about 1-2 inches of snow."

"Yeah, well channel 10 says we got 5-6."

"Ok, but I'm lookin' at these sidewalks and there definitely isn't 5 inches."

"Is that why all the plows are out doing the roads??"

"I'm just sayin'.  Come here and look at these sidewalks."

"I don't need to look.  Are you saying The Weather Channel isn't accurate?"


"The.  Weather.  Channel."

"Whatever.  All I know is I look outside and I see 1-2 inches."

"I'm not trying to argue with you here, but why would the plows be out for 1-2 inches??"

"Because it's still snow, genius!"

"Yeah.  5-6 inches of it."

"Ok, maybe where they're measuring they got 5-6 inches."

"That's ridiculous.  Saratoga isn't that big."

"So you're saying it snows consistently all over this town??"


"You're saying it's impossible for there to be a tad more snow in some parts of Saratoga??"

"There are bands of snow.  And we are in a band."

"Corey, is it possible that the edge of a band just happens to fall right through the city of Saratoga Springs and we are in the 1-2 inch part and they are measuring in the 5-6 inch part?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"I rest my case."


The dude still has not learned the words, "Yes dear."

Monday, February 7, 2011

Big dreams in Israel

My dad is a dreamer.

He has big ideas:

"Next year we'll get the Entire Family to go on a cruise!!"

"Why don't we get all the area youth groups together to put on a show?!"

We all smile and nod, then hope and pray he isn't actually serious.

Do you know how sick I am capable of getting just by sitting on a wobbly chair?

And 50 teenagers working together on anything??  Excuse me while I grab my paper bag.


Last week he came out with this one:

"I'm going to Israel this year."

But with this I was a tad less overwhelmed.  It's doable.  Expensive, but not black market kidney expensive.  And after sitting through a long and thorough presentation of why the trip is worthwhile (my dad couldn't go so I went and collected information in his place) I'm pretty convinced not only that I need to go, but that I need to go...right now.

So, besides being in the exact place where Jesus walked, and taught, and did some awesome, awesome, awesome things (which alone gives me chills, folks), the country itself looks pretty spectacular.  You've got all kinds of major bodies of water, a variety of climate options, historic ruins, and a pretty vibrant culture.

Yes, I like that...and that too!....oh yes, definitely!! betcha!!!....ohmigosh, must go now!!!.....

I was sold on this trip early on.  You say "water" and "ruins" and I'm yours forever.  But not everyone was so eager.  There were a few safety concerns.  What about all this fighting you see on the news?

Actually, there are about 3.5 million visitors each year who come and go and live to tell about it.  The security there is top notch and it's not bad in all parts of the country.  However, there are still countries out there that hate the junk outta Israel:

"Israel is safer than the United States...but is there still a risk?  Yes.  Is there the threat of annihilation?  Yes."

Um, 'scuse me?

This statement may be what led me to have this dream last night:

I was getting ready to start my trip to Israel with a bunch of kids my age.  And my age being around 16.  (mother, don't make me take your commenting privileges away again.)  So here we all are waiting in this room full of maps with constellations and a flight attendant is telling us what we're getting ourselves into.

She basically said this ain't no trip to the Caribbean.  We were there on a mission.  I guess a mission to save Israel.  And then if we had time afterward we could go sightseeing.

This is when I said, "no thanks, I just peed myself," but was talked into it by my dad (also 16).  So off we go into the space shuttle.  The plan was to take this "plane" up into orbit so we could fool the Russians and then come back down and launch a full on attack in the air.  Then we would safely land and start our vacation.

It.  Was.  Terrifying.

Which is why I may be postponing my trip this year.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Friday Confessions

1.  I tried to watch an episode of Jersey Shore on Sunday to see what all the hub-bub was about.  I could only make it five minutes, until Ms. Snookie confessed she is addicted to bronzer and alcohol.

2.  I also tried The Hills, but I only lasted 30 seconds.

3.  Up until Tuesday I thought this bumper sticker that is a symbol for equality, more specifically gay rights, had something to do with sailing.

4.  When the grocery stores first came out with self-checkout lines I always hoped one of the cashiers monitoring the stations would come over to and compliment my bagging technique.

5.  I always have to double check myself when I write channel because I really want to spell it as chanel.

6.  I have now added Full House to my morning programming.  On Wednesday, when Uncle Jesse proposed to Rebecca and almost married her right there in Las Vegas I had to tape part two (I had to walk the dog) even though I knew what was going to happen.

7.  Corey and I took a walk after the snowstorm Wednesday night.  The sidewalks were nicely shoveled and the snowbanks were chest high.  Perfect for shoving each other into, causing mini avalanches and new snow piles in our wake.

8.  Today is the start of the Book Sale.  Also known as one of the best days of the year: eight books for $ quarters.

9.  My car is officially past due for an inspection.  Without an inspection I'm technically not supposed to drive.  But because "my car may or may not meet emission standards" is not yet a valid excuse for missing work, I daily pray for ice and snow to cover that part of my windshield to avoid a hefty fine.

10. For two nights this week my dinner consisted of cookies and cake balls.  Because I'm an adult, and I can eat what I want.  I said this to a stranger.


I have almost never been so excited for a Friday that precedes absolutely nothing!  Hope your weekend is as relaxing and empty as mine is planned to be.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Weekend Wrap Up: Happy Birthday!

Oh, the weekend wrap up...four days late.

There were four main areas I wanted to touch on:
  • I, rightfully, get made fun of for forgetting stuff.
  • A cake ball tower is not a good substitute for a birthday cake.
  • Laser tag is cool despite what the 12-year-old you are shooting says.
  • Karaoke is best kept in a bar.
Saturday I drove up to my parents' house to help my mom with her sewing class.  Later on as I was visiting with the folks and my sister we were talking about a new song on the radio about forgetting stuff and it driving the singer crazy.  My family all laughed and pointed at me as if I should be able to relate.

Needless to say, I was shocked.  "No, I do not forget stuff!"  Moments later, as I was starting my car to leave, I stopped and walked back into the house because I forgot my phone.  But I couldn't remember where I left it.

Finally, I was able to get in my car and drive away.  Until I remembered the cake pans I needed for my sister's birthday cake.

Oh the shame.


So there I go with my cake pans and a recipe in mind for a homemade chocolate cake with a chocolate ganache icing.  All she wanted was a Betty Crocker version, but for my sissy I go above and beyond.  However, "beyond" ended up sticking to the bottom of the pan and I was left with two lopsided halfsies and lots of broken chunks.

Luckily, my baking skeelz are top notch (more like middle notch), so I turned to Plan B: chocolate cake balls.  I ran out for a block of cream cheese (and milk because I forgot it the last time I was at the store and Corey desperately needed to make a milkshake.  at noon.  in the middle of winter) and began the transformation.

Problem: the girl was expecting a cake.  One solid mass that she could cut into and eat with a fork.

Solution: stack all those cake balls and make a gooey, cohesive cake ball tower.

Result: "Mom, can you make my cake next year??"

Whatevs.  The "cake" was awesome.


Now, it was not the birthday girl's idea to force everyone to play laser tag (as I do on my day with mini golf).  It was my dad's.  And there was very little convincing on my part:

"So I thought on Katie's birthday we would play laser..."

"I'M IN!!!"

We played two rounds, and if Corey hadn't thrown out my scorecards I would have shown you my first and second place finishes.  My codename was WildStar and I played to win.  My mom's codename, on the other hand, was Sloth and she came in almost last.  I think she might have felt bad shooting little kids.  You know, as a mom.  I did not.  Because they had no problem stalking me and hiding in small spaces.

The jerks.

So I shot 'em.

And I crawled in small spaces.

And then I did that thing where I roll around on the ground to avoid gun fire.


No I didn't.

But I did shriek a lot.

And I asked everyone flashing my team color (green) if they were one of my sisters.

See, it's dark in there.  And I get a tad freaked out in the dark.  Especially when one particular round had only 12 players and I found myself wandering around, seeing not a single soul, wondering if the game was actually over and I was trapped inside with a serial killer.

No more Criminal Minds for this girl.  Or American Justice.

But I survived.  I lived to gloat about beating every single one of 'em.


So after all the birthday festivities (the dinner, the cake, the laser tag, the presents) everyone is tired.  It was, after all, 8:00pm, just one hour from my own bedtime.  However, the day would not be officially over until the fat lady sang.

The figurative fat lady being me and my sisters, the only brave ones to try my new Wii karaoke game.  Pumped up on chocolate ganache we each sang two songs and I can honestly say for certain that not a single one of us was given the gift of song.

We cannot carry a tune if the gold medal of karaoke depended on it.  Which it did.

But as I entered my sugar coma all that mattered was watching Katie's idea of what the dance moves should be while singing:

"If you want my body aaaaand you think I'm sexy come on baby let me knooooow..."


The.  End.

Wait a second, this was supposed to be a Weekend update.  Where's Sunday's news??

Um, ok.  Sunday: went to church, lunch with friends, slept in chair while watching Lifetime movies.

The.  End.

For real.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Office Chatter: Spice Dealer Edition

Cathy: "So the DEA banned spice today.  If you see a guy driving around in a white van you should call the police."

Me: "What?  There is a man selling spice?  Like seasoning?"

(insert mental picture of an ice cream man type truck driving around offering steak rubs and chicken marinades...)

C: "Yeah, and it's illegal."

M: "Spice?"

C: "Yes, that's what they're calling synthetic marijuana."

(i couldn't remember the word synthetic, instead i had syndicated and syphilis blocking my brain)

(but not actual syphilis, i knew the word i was trying to think of had an "sy" in it and those were the only two words i could think of at the moment.)

(but i digress)

M: "Wait, spice is marijuana."

C: "Well, synthetic."

M: "And there's a guy selling it in a van??"

C: "Yes, so don't buy bath salts."

M: "Why not?"

C: "Because synthetic marijuana is now illegal."

M: "What the heck do bath salts have anything to do with marijuana?!?"

C: "That's where it comes from."

M: "So what is spice?"

C: "The marijuana."

M: "But it comes from bath salts?"

C: "Yes."


The lesson here:  Don't Do Bath Salts.  Or Marinate Your Chicken.  And hire an interpreter when talking to your co-workers.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ten on Tuesday

Hey Tuesday, thanks for bringing a foot of snow.  'Preciate it.  Oh yeah, and thanks for a round of Tens.  I needed that.

1. What is your favorite childhood memory?
I have a whole lot.  But my earliest favorite memory is when I was about three years old.  My dad took me to the beach.  I remember a bus, the sand and some tall wooden tower...a lifeguard stand, maybe?  Things get a little fuzzy after twenty-some years, but I very vividly remember being with daddy.  And that's a lot different than some average Joe.  (see what I did there?  my dad's name is Joe...oh never mind)

2. What is your favorite quality about yourself?
Um, well I'm pretty good at writing letters to the editor in other people's names criticizing nitwits who think they're hot stuff.  But I wouldn't say it's my favorite quality.

3. What is your favorite thing that your child does?
I have a dog.  And he does a little dance with his back feet when you stop scratching his butt.  It's pretty hilarious.  I like to pull this trick out for parties.

4. What is your favorite thing to do to relax?
1) footie pajamas  2) raspberry turnover  3) Matlock

5. What is your favorite restaurant? And what is your favorite thing on the menu?
At this moment: Ravenous.  They serve nothing but crepes.  My fave: the Texas Tornado.  It's a crepe stuffed with chili and cheese and topped with two poached eggs and sour cream.  It's like a classy sloppy joe.

6. What is your favorite piece of jewelry (besides your wedding ring)?
Oh, I got lots of special stuff.  Earrings from my parents, pearls from my in-laws, necklaces from my sisters, a watch from Corey.  I can't pick just one favorite!

7. What is your favorite night of the week M-TH? And why?
Thursday.  Because I know the next day is basically a freebie.

8. What is your favorite dessert?
One that is right in front of me.

As long as it doesn't have raisins in it.

9. What is your favorite item in your make-up bag?
My Clinique foundation.  It gives me color and keeps me from lookin' like death all the time.

10. What is your favorite smell?
Christmas tree.  Thanks goodness for Yankee candle and their million balsam scents.  They've supplemented the actual smell as our trees just haven't cut it lately.

And then...this is May when it starts to warm up and I walk out to my car after work and smell burgers cooking at Burger King next door. 

It makes me think of barbecues just around the corner.


Off to complete Tuesday!  And try not to get buried in the snow...