"Yeah, all I have to do is grab hold of this top part here and throw my legs over the side there and bippidy boppidy here I am. Other side."
You see where this is going.
I walk Oliver-dog most mornings; we take different routes depending on how much time we have and whether or not O has been cooped up for days because of weather and extreme digestion that necessitated me being within close proximity to "the facilities" at all times.
Today's route took us to a small park at a rec center where I can throw a ball and my little spazoid can frolic and run without me needing to do more than stand in one place.
In this park is a water feature for the kiddies; a round cement area where bursts of water squirt up little behinds and into eyes and for some reason they love it. But because we're so close to winter the feature is covered with a tarp and blocked off with a flimsy three foot fence made of wooden stakes.
That detail is important later.
So there dork-brains and I are; me throwing the ball, he running wild with lips and eye lids flapping. If you know me at all, you can imagine a 20ft in diameter cordoned off space is just the type of target I'm able to hit when I'm not trying to hit it.
Of course, the dang ball lands right in the middle of the tarp. I stand there and ponder two very difficult choices:
- leave the ball because it's a tennis ball for goodness sake and you have about a dozen lost in the bushes behind your apartment.
- get the ball because it's just right there and you know how much you hate to waste and that ball could be worth, like, a whole quarter.
But there was a problem. The fence sagged inward, which means the wooden spikes were now facing me and I would most certainly impale myself if I tried to go out the same way. So as I started to panic about being trapped I considered other options.
Luckily it was only 7am; there was one car in the parking lot and it most likely belonged to someone in the neighborhood who left it overnight. I was alone in my ridiculousness.
At least that's what I was hoping.
I move around to a more sturdy side of the fence, test out the wires looping the stakes together and decide I would just have to hoist myself up and over.
(this was after trying to grab hold of the top and bounce my way over, realizing I can only pick my legs up two feet)
I jam my foot in between the stakes on top of the wire and set myself up. I get my right leg over and I'm almost proud of myself when my left foot gets stuck in the fence and I end up dangling by one of the stakes. I pull my right butt muscle as I'm in a near-split trying to free my foot. Foot finally clears but my leg was stuck on the stake. More stretching, aaaaaaaand release.
I start to think how that so was not worth it when I hear:
"You know, I wouldda used a stick or somthin'."
Oh dear sweet bubbalicious. This man watched the entire thing.
"So you saw...all that?"
"Ok, well I'm out now, so....OLIVER!"
And off we went, with a slight limp and several splinters in my butt.
Oh, and after all that, my darling dog managed to lose the ball.