Monday, August 31, 2009

18 days...

Attention New York State residents:

Yes, I do realize it is my job to listen to your conspiracy theories. And yes, I am supposed to help you obtain your teaching license by tomorrow morning for your interview at 10am.

But allow me to get down on my will take me a second, I am getting older, you know...and plead for you to consider my fragile emotional state in these last few weeks of pre-wedded bliss.

In order for me to keep my sanity (and help you regain yours), please follow the guidelines below:
  • You have 10 minutes. Give me your information like a press release: most important first...just in case I accidentally hang up on you.
  • Save the details of your hip replacement for conversations over coffee with your girlfriends.
  • Before you call sober up, wake up, spit out your gum.
  • Save us both some time and go directly to your lawyer.
  • Make yourself an outline. Follow it. Fax it to me.
  • Ask for Keith.
  • Don't yell or curse at me or else I will tell you what I really think of your "disability."
  • Send me a box of chocolates....or maybe a simple stinkin' Thank You.

That is all. Thank you for your time.

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