A canine complaint

Dear God,

My folks tell me you’re responsible for all the squirrels and cats running around outside. I have a few concerns I’d like to share with you.


First, the squirrels are jerks. They get me to chase them, and then they run up trees. This is not fair; I am not equipped to run up trees. Also, the one that I almost caught tasted like dirt. The dead one I play with at home tastes like polyester fiber fill. You might want to check your recipe.

Second, the cats are mean. And they have sharp feet. I’d like to say I enjoy our staring contests, but really they creep me out. I still haven’t recovered from the time that neighbor cat swatted at me and I screamed like a Pomeranian. It was scary, and the squirrels still laugh at me. Like I said, they’re jerks. Do the cats know I’m a dog and can eat them?

What I’d like are squirrels that are slow and dumb like my cousin Maggie and taste like bacon, and cats that I can snuggle with.

Thank you,
 
Oliver