Friday, November 20, 2009

Something to sink your teeth into

A little lesson on vampires, because I know you were wondering.

Vampires do exist, in the same way big hairy guys who like to romp in the woods call themselves bigfoots...big feet?

They are a group of people who are sensitive to light and crave blood.  Although this screams photophobia and iron deficiency, it's not.  Them's vampire symptoms. 

Fortunately, their manners have evolved from Bram Stoker's vampire, Count Dracula.  They now ask you for your blood.  And their diets have drastically changed from all blood to something more balanced that includes aura energy and a blend of fruits, vegetables and free range poultry.

I'm not sure if the original vampire, Mr. Dracula, would approve of these changes.  Because he isn't real.

Just like big foot.

They also don't wait to become vampires until after they're dead anymore.  It is so much easier to adjust fangs and apply black eyeliner when you have a reflection.  Honestly, haven't you seen a zombie picking up some milk at the grocery store with bedhead??  Em-barrassing.

Contrary to popular belief, not all vampires drink blood.  I guess you could call them veganpiresHAHAHA....never mind.  Instead of getting their energy fix from the blood, they suck it right out of the air floating around in someone else's comfort zone.  Although they usually ask first, I think it's safe to say if you're at work and feel tired you might be sitting next to a vampire.  Keep an eye out for your aura, just to be on the safe side.

Vampires are human beings.  Just like paler, more outwardly expressive versions of us.  They are not to be feared or ridiculed, but befriended.  I'd imagine if you're nice enough they'll tell you how exactly they eat corn on the cob with those fangs...

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