Saturday, July 18, 2009

62 days...

Today's topic of discussion, my discussion with myself, comes from a recent Facebook conversation: do calories really exist when it is your birthday and you down a whole sheet of chocolate birthday cake with chocolate birthday frosting with multi-colored birthday sprinkles and a little bit of birthday candle wax?

I say no, based on Dr. Hines theory of cake-ativity. His article, with contributing confectionist, Dr. B. Crocker, broke down the barriers in my mind of portion control, milk with chocolate rules, and swimming 30 minutes after eating...actually, that one may still hold true.

To sum up their calorie conclusion:

The calorie is a complex, microscopic, ant-like creature that is in everything you cram in your cram-hole. Yes, despite what you've heard, a calorie is a bug. When you eat these bugs, the acid in your stomach kills them (gruesome but true, it's the circle of life, folks) and the potassium that results from the breakdown of their little bodies gives us our nutrients.

Now, when you sit on your butt all day and still cram junk down your gullet those ant nutrients sit in your stomach like pizza dough, and that dough eventually works its way through your intestines where it actually seeps into your belly button area, then your thighs and rear end.

But, things change when it is your birthday. See, when it is your birthday, it's all about you.

"Look at what the birthday girl is wearing!" (hopefully it's not the birthday suit)

"What does the birthday boy want to eat?"

"Would the birthday girl like a refill on that mango tonic with a kiwi twist?"

Essentially, the world revolves around you, and that brief change in the gravitational pull is what makes calories not calories on your special day. Ever notice how the sun doesn't get fat? Ah hah. Now you're starting to get it.

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