Dearest Mother and Father,
It has been the greatest of pleasures living in your home for the last 27 years...or, my whole life. You fed me, clothed me, and kept me from turning into a dirty hippie.
Although, you did let me wear my hair long and frizzy and this incredibly nerdy Kermit Klein shirt every other day in 7th grade.
I've greatly enjoyed Cinnamon Roll Night calorie fests and the ensuing sluggishness. And I will miss Mom's good home cooking...actually, I've been missing it for about three years.
But this is no time for tears! You will have one less person using your hot water, complaining about getting frostbite inside during the winter, or leaving TVs on in various rooms of the house.
You can butter to your heart's desire as I will not be able to lecture you on trans fat and heart disease statistics.
Daddy, watch your extreme outdoor grody survival shows as loud as you want. I won't be there to threaten you with vomit or premature deafness.
And Mom, the amount of times you will have to nag at me to keep the basement door closed will be significantly reduced. That's a win-win for both of us.
In 50 days there will be an empty bedroom (with a broken closet door) upstairs and I suggest you spend the time you would use grieving over my departure and instead plan the layout of your yoga-dojo, or whatever you old folks do with your spare time.
Much love,
Stacie
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