I Want UpLIFTing

I am not what you would call "fashion forward."

I'm more of a "fashion circa 1995."

Or "fashion Land's End."

Maybe "fashion shoulder pads and high tops."

But I exaggerate.

No, I am not one to put this top with those pants and this loop-dee-loop with this vest and that scarf over this hair band.

Not because I don't like the look of sassy young things today.  I just don't know how to achieve it effortlessly. 

But in an attempt to take a much delayed step into a probably fading trend, I got me some tall leather boots.

(to ward off any hurt feelings from Corey I should add that he did buy them....with our money....and because he was in the dog house.)

And I went out yesterday in search of skinny jeans.  It took some getting used to, but I started liking the workin'-on-the-farm-in-gunk-so-high-I-need-me-some-tall-foot-protection look.

work it Cameron Diaz.

So to make what was a long story, but then deleted because it was too long, short, I did not end up with skinny jeans.  For some reason the Gap thinks that even though there is much less material needed to make a pair of jeans that clings mercilessly to every single curve, nook, and cranny they can charge as much as they do for normal grown-up pants.  The kind that uses double the fabric and gives your ankles plenty of personal space.

Oh, but they were comfortable.  See, typically when you have to practically paint your clothes on, they tend not to move about.  Which means they aren't riding all up in your business.

The price was just not right.  Instead I left with three sale shirts that are made to be too big.  Go figure.

But, alas, I know those jeans are meant to be mine.  At checkout I was the lucky winner of the random customer survey.

"Fill out your silly little survey and get 20% off my next purchase which will be those jeans I tried on in, like, 20 minutes?  Of course I will!"

Ha.  Little survey my....finger.  After answering questions about where I was, why I was there, what I did, who I saw, where else do I shop, I got this set of questions:

Have you heard of ***** brand?    No.

Have you heard of ***** brand?    Nope.

Have you heard of ***** brand?    Hmmm....thought that was a kind of dish soap.

Where are you going with this, Gap?  Are you trying to tell me something?

What brands do our jeans mostly resemble in fit and quality?

Yeah, ok.  So all of my jeans are so old and worn out in all the right places I can't remember how they fit in better times.  And I've never heard of, let alone own, a pair of 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon or whatever the brand is.  I don't need you to remind me how behind I am in fashion trends.  As you can probably tell by my transaction number I live in upstate New York, the wear-slippers-to-the-grocery-store capital.  So I believe I am qualified to skip this question thanksomuch.

Please answer the question.

Dang, you've got a lotta nerve Gap.  Here I am doing you a  service when all I'm getting out of the deal is a few dollars off a pair of jeans already marked up a-thousand percent and you're going to be all demanding?!

What the heck else could you possibly want to know?!

Touche, Gap.  Touche.  I'll be seeing you Wednesday.