1. Growing up, my family designated "favorite movies" based on the amount, duration, and intensity of fart scenes.
2. I may or may not have taught my innocent, 13-year-old cousin what the phrase "breaking the seal" means.
3. I attended a luncheon on behalf of my boss where I sat at the head table with the Assemblywoman and the Chancellor of the New York State University school system. I had a visible booger in my nose the entire time.
4. I also dribbled sauce down my chin oh-so eloquently.
5. And then I ran out of the building.