Ice cream and life lessons

There are two things in the world that make me laugh until I blow snot bubbles:

1. sleep talking stories
2. animals with shoes on

But that's not the point of this post.

I just felt like sharing.

Now send me sleep talking stories of animals with shoes on.

Where was I?

Oh yes.  I was going to tell you about my breakfast yesterday.  The second one.

I had the french toast smothered in butter and syrup at a restaurant called Poopies.  It's a small place, the service is kinda lousy, but the food is de-lish.  Emphasis on -lish.  Why?  Because I'm in a mood.

But that's also not the point of this post.  Only a minor detail.

I was with my co-workers to celebrate the 90th birthday of a man who has more to do in a day that I do in one week.  His name is Dante, Dan for short, and he volunteers in my office every morning.

I love this guy.  He is so kind and caring...and blunt.

"Hey Dan, my parents are throwing an engagement party and..."

"No thanks.  I don't do that stuff."

"Well, ok then..."

Dan mows his own yard.  He snow blows his driveway and sometimes his brother's.  He plays golf four days a week.  He does work for the boy scouts.  He drives himself and his wife all over town.  He can read phone book listings without glasses.

One more time:  Dan can read the phone book without glasses.

I can barely see my own hand in front of my face without glasses.

He is in great shape, not just for his age.

So when I see him order two eggs over easy, four strips of bacon and buttered toast it makes me wonder how he got here.

Pilates? 

I doubt it.

South Beach Diet?

Probably not.

Burnt toast and scotch?

Maybe.

Or, it might just be good genes and a good attitude.

Now, I don't know if I have either, but I can rationalize my future decisions in this way: I am going to die the day that I die.  It's not my choice, never has been, never will be.  And it is going to be the same day whether I put myself in stupid sugar detox mode, run until my feet fall off and torture myself or if I have a dang lemon square every night...with a cookie...and a slice of cake...with ice cream.

So with that revelation I skipped the egg white omelet and opted for french toast with a stick of butter.  In the afternoon I dug out $3.10 in change (and one Bermuda nickel) for a scoop of chocolate ice cream.

And it felt good.

Tasted good, too.

I'm sure that's what Dan would have done.

Friday Confessions

Sorry I'm late.  I've been enjoying my second breakfast for the day in celebration of a 90th birthday.  (Not mine.)  Oh, I love breakfast...

1.  I am afraid of crows.  But since I can't tell the difference between crows and ravens (which I love) I assume all black birds I come across while walking are smart, friendly ravens, and all black birds I come across while driving my killing machine (Hyundai Tucson) are dirty, flesh-eating crows.

2.  For years I sang the song Potato Bug, not realizing the words were actually Jitterbug.

3.  I wear goggles when I chop onions.

I also look stupid when I chop onions.

4.  In college I was on the ballroom dance team.  I had the shoes, the dance team jacket and bag, and a terrible partner who stepped on my feet with his Timberlands and constantly smelled of curry.

5.  I have never had a cavity.  I ingest 40 pounds of sugar yearly.  My teeth are made of iron.

6.  I would like to be a roller derby girl.  They all get special, raunchy names like Busty B*!@#, or Blond Bombshell.  My derby name will be Giggles McGoobin.  Cute, right?!

7.  I brought in three very pretty flowers from the bushes outside our apartment.  I also brought in a giant brown recluse.

8.  I call every spider a brown recluse.  Just to be safe.

9.  I am in charge of invitations for my boss's golf tournament.  Each of my co-workers asked me more than once if the phone number is listed correctly.  Jeez, guys.  So what if the last invitation I did gave 300 people the wrong RSVP phone number!

10.  My dog is the cutest dog in the world.

He also matches our floors.

Off to digest breakfast...

An epic fail...but I exaggerate

I was supposed to give up sweets this week.  Starting Monday.  I had a little too much dessert with my jazz and was in desperate need of a sugar detox.

However, today is Wednesday and I have already cheated.  This morning.  With chocolate chip cookies.

Who eats cookies before noon?

Someone with a problem.

Two of my co-workers went on a six week diet where 75% of their meals came from little silver packets.  The other 25% was from various forms of lettuce.

Six.  Weeks.

They complained.  They starved.  They craved food that did not come in powder form. And yet they showed the dedication and restraint of a willful two-year-old.

I, on the other hand, walk in the door, look at the plate of fresh cookies and think:

No.  No.  No.  No.  No.  Ok, maybe just two.

I can't go Three.  Days.

My will power is broken.

Ten on Tuesday

1. What is your favorite piece of furniture in your house?
My bed.  We have a million and a half pillows so I snuggle in between all of them, pretending they're big stuffed animals giving me hugs.

2. If it was raining so hard on a Saturday that you couldn’t leave your house, what would you spend the day doing?
Being cranky, eating everything I could get my hands on, and making beads.

3. What was your favorite candy as a child?
The packets of flavored sugar that you dip the hard sugar stick in and then lick.  So basically, sugar.  Sugar was my favorite candy.

4. Did you get an allowance? What was it based on? What did you do with it?
I was a good kid, so even though I didn't get an actual allowance, I had enough credit stored up in the bank of mom and dad to get the things I needed until I got my first job.

5. Do you have a favorite Etsy store?
(Plug my own Etsy store here)  Oh wait, I have no listings in my Etsy store!  And that is because I still have not made one single *thing* worth listing!  Hi.  My name is Debbie Downer....

6. Do you prefer time with family or time with friends?
Family.  They don't think I'm weird when I pass gas.

7. Looney Tunes, Tiny Toons, or Animaniacs?
Even though I begged my mom for the Tiny Toons movie, How I Spent My Summer Vacation, Looney Tunes will forever be my favorite.  I bought The Best Of, Volume I...last year (sheepish grin).  Those guys are like my flamingo pajamas, comfortable and crazy.

8. Best daytime talk show: Oprah, Ellen, The Doctors, Tyra (ha!), Dr. Oz, or Dr. Phil?
More like Judge Joe Brown.  Judge Judy.  Judge Jeanine Pirro.  I'm a fan of tough love...and The View.

9. Would you rather have the power of invisibility or the ability to fly?
Oooooo, at the risk of sounding super nerdy and syfy, I have always wanted to fly.  I dream about it all the time, and am convinced it is so much better than invisibility.  Just think, you're invisible and you walk into a room and everyone is talking about how bad your breath is.  Awkward.

10. Name 1 thing you love about being an adult.
Going to the grocery store with no makeup, frizzy hair, husband's oversized sweatshirt, and chocolate stains on everything.  In other words, not giving a stink about what I look like.
 
Oh, and being able to eat dessert before dinner.

Weekend Wrap Up: kids for sale at the farmer's market

Whoa, folks.  Whoa.

This weekend wrap up follows The.  Busiest.  Week.  Ever.  Double the meetings, double the baking, and you get one super-tired-in-need-of-jazz-dessert-rummaging-through-junk Stacie.

You'll be happy to know the winds of unusually bad luck have shifted.  Friday night I won a Wii game.  Not just any Wii game, Karaoke Revolution.

"EEEEeeee!!  I WON!!"

"You DID?!"

"I am so throwing a party."

...to random stranger:

"I'm throwing a party with THIS!"

"Uh, ok."

...to the landlord of my office building:

"Look!  This is going to be at my party!!"

"Great."

I was probably a little over-excited, but in my defense 1.) In the past 27 years I have won fewer than 6 things and 2.) it was karaoke.

What a glorious way to start a weekend.  I can think of no better way...besides dessert.  And jazz.

On Saturday Corey and I went on a breakfast date.  Because "you should never stop dating your spouse."  Words of wisdom.  We split a ham and cheese at our favorite bakery.  Which happens to be down the street.  Within walking distance.  But we still drove.

Then off I went to the First Baptist Rummage Sale where I spent a total of $6 and left with full bag.

"Please don't get any crap."

"Oh, don't worry.  I just get stuff for my crafts."

"Ok.  No stuff for the apartment either."

"Ugh!  I won't!"

I interpreted that as:

"Stacie, as we have not lived together long enough for me to know what you consider 'crap' I am going to trust you to use your best judgment on items you purchase for the apartment."

And so I bought two lovely green planters.

I then made my way to the farmer's market.

Holy Toledo.  I saw hippies, body builders, families, dogs, plants, veggies, killer rhubarb, kids for sale....Wha??

Yes.  I saw a sign that read "kids for sale on the farm."

Oh those poor kids.  I thought.

Why would they get rid of kids?  Isn't that illegal.  I almost said out loud.

I wonder if they clean tubs....and then I felt stupid, because kids are goats.

Great, Stace.  You're almost guilty of promoting child labor.  But am I?  I mean, I didn't actually make an offer for a tub-cleaning farm kid.

Moving on...

By 1:00 I was done for the day.  Out of commission.  But since I started at 6:30, I figure I put in a full day.  So I took a nap.

And then I took a Sudafed.  Which is actually not recommended when consuming alcohol.  Even 3/4 of a Corona while waiting for your burrito at Leon's.  I learned the hard way after nearly face planting in said burrito.  It was an early night.

Followed by an early morning of dog walkin, then some Lord praisin, burger eatin, childhood friend talkin, more dog walkin, barbeque chicken eatin, neighbor chattin, laundry foldin, and early to beddin.

Ahhhh.  You can't beat that weekend.  Can't beat it with a stick.

Friday Confessions

Dang, Friday already?  That means jazz and dessert, not because I'm a classy lady, but because my local YMCA is a classy establishment.

1.  I got the most complements on my hair the day I used lotion instead of conditioner in the shower.

2.  Sometimes I don't have time to brush my teeth in the morning.  Like Monday.  And last Friday.  I am secretly Jessica Simpson.

3.  Corey and I have tattoos that mean absolutely nothing to us.  Mine was the result of a deal I made that my sisters held me to.  And Corey's is from having nothing better to do.

4.  I wish I could spit like a guy.  So effortless.  I practice when no one is around because I drool all over myself.

5.  I have had an obsession with giant stuffed animals since I was a kid.  Patch Adams, wherever you are, my dream before I die is to have my own giant squishy teddy bear I can snuggle with...or a pee-free adult sized ball pit.  Those things are aWesOmE!!

6.  I was behind a car with a "baby on board" sticker and cigarette sticking out the window.  Don't even get me started.

7.  Sometimes I wear my cow pajama top with my flamingo pajama bottoms.  I like to get crazy.

8.  I passed my notary test.  Now I can panic when someone asks me to notarize anything because a) I have no idea what I'm doing, b) I can't refuse, and c) If I do it wrong I could be given a death sentence.

9.  I made a batch of cookies Monday night.  Once those are gone I am going sugar free for an entire week.  But until then I am having the time of my life!

10. Wednesday night I went to three different grocery stores to find free range chicken.  Someone please tell me I'm not the only wacko concerned for the mental state and quality of life of my food before it is slaughtered.

...and because I'm super psyched about jazz and dessert:

11. I'm super psyched about jazz and dessert!

My inspiration

Hey bloggers, and others who feel the need to share stories every day of your life, you know the feeling where you are trying to think of something interesting to post and then material just miraculously materializes?

Better than chocolate.

So, last night I made a casserole...

"Dumb."

Delete.

Why is it boogers...

"Gross."

Delete.

Oliver caught a ball yesterday...

"What??"

Delete.

"Hey Beetle!  (my nickname) I found a new one of these things!!"

Corey shows me a freckle on his forearm.

"You found a new freckle??"

"Yeah!  Look!"

He shows me a freckle the size of the period at the end of this sentence.

"I just tried to rub it off, I thought it was dirt!!"

Why is he so excited??

"Wow.  That's cool."

"Have you noticed it before??"

Oh, Corey.

VOGUE

Someone please come find me and look at me. 

I need witnesses.

According to Chanel and The New York Times, I am trendy.  I am in style.  But just for today.

Apparently, the "just got out of the shower/need to be at work in 15 minutes" look is in.  You know, the one where you take your sopping wet hair, pull it back in a bun (lopsided or not, doesn't specify in the article), and coat it in hair spray to keep all those little strays from forming a frizz halo.  This is me today.

Also, Sally Hansen pastels are in.

Chanel says so.  But these are more green and my pastels are blue.  And I keep 'em on my toes, not my fingers.  I think that still counts, though.

I would show you a picture of my toes, but I haven't had a pedicure...since August.

And I would show you a picture of my hair, but you would see my face.  "Just got out of the shower/need to be at work in 15 minutes" make up is not yet in style.

You just have to take my word.  I look good today.  The very top and bottom of me.

Ten on Tuesday

1. If your name was a verb, what would “to Stacie” mean?
"Wow, you're trying way too hard to be cool.  You are so Stacie-ing."

2. What myth have you always wanted to prove or bust?
The one about the snake coming up out of the toilet to bite an unsuspecting victim's butt.  Because I already learned the cockroach growing in a tongue was false.  Phew!

3. If you had the ability to get a message out to the entire world, what would you say?
The correct answer: the gospel.  My first answer: look how cool I am.  Oops.

4. Please name your current top 10 blogs.
1.  The Pioneer Woman
2.  Just Something I Made
3.  Roots and Rings
4.  Our Little Apartment
5.  Passive Aggressive Notes
6.  Meg's Mumbo Jumbo
7.  Fresh Confessions of a Screwed Up Texan
8.  Awkward Sleep Ramblings
9.  Cake Wrecks
10. Texas Britches

5. Do you have a junk drawer?
No.  We have a junk room.  It's called my studio.   And I love all of my little junkies.

Wait.  That came out wrong...

6. Bottled water or tap?
I can go either way.  As long as the bottled doesn't taste like pool water and the tap doesn't taste like dirt or the Hudson River.

7. As a kid, did you have a favorite Biblical story?
Esther.  Besides just liking the story, I was supposed to play Esther in a church skit.  The boy I had a crush on was going to be my husband.  We were going to hug at the end.  And then my parents moved me halfway across the country.

8. What is your favorite black and white movie?
Was the original Ocean's Eleven black and white?  If so, that is my favorite.  And not because it's the only black and white movie I've ever seen...

9. Aside from your engagement/wedding rings, what is your favorite piece of jewelry that you own? Does it have a story behind it?
My favorite piece of jewelry is still sitting in a warehouse somewhere.  The dangly princess cut "diamond" earrings were supposed to be my gift last year for hosting a jewelry party, but instead I got a tarnish remover cloth.

If we're talking about real jewelry, my faves are my JCrew coral/gold necklace (the only trendy thing I own) and my strand of pearls.
10. What sports/activities do you hope your kids will be involved in? (Answer for both a boy and a girl)
My boys are going to be involved in whatever their hearts desire.  Except drugs.  And my girls are going to be involved in whatever their hearts desire.  Except drugs.

However, I may push the Mama Foot Rubbin' Club.

Weekend wrap up

Good times with good people.  Good food thrown in with some good memories.  And topped off with good sleepin'.

But just last night.

A brief account of the weekend's activities:

Went to a women's Bible conference with Katie and my mom in Lake Placid Friday night.  Dinner and one session Friday followed by early bedtime and little sleep.  Woke up at 6am, ran around the lake, ate breakfast, two more sessions, lunch, shopping, border patrol, baking, baking, baking, then bed. 

Sunday I went to church, ran around with too many screaming kids, ate lunch with both sisters and all four dogs at the dog park in Saratoga, went back to church for a block party, hot dogs, and cup cakes.  Cleaned up, went home, crawled in bed, fell asleep at 9pm.

I learned a few things:

• My mother does not* snore like a grizzly bear.  I was not* kept up all night and I did not* have to throw a pillow at her.
• Earplugs do not drown out enough noise.
• Lotion is not a substitute for conditioner.
• Practicing biblical womanhood is going to be like eating vegetables, tough to swallow but good for me.
• I do win things.
• Mothers should not have to buy their own belated Mother's Day gifts no matter how much they do not* snore.
• Wake up fully before speaking to border patrol.
• Make one of these every weekend forever and ever.
• Four dogs and three people do not fit in one vehicle.
• Mika (Katie's dog) will jump out of windows.
• She will also consent to sexual advances.  From other dogs, sickos.
• Oliver prefers fresh running water to warm, slobbery goo-water.
• Don't bring up antiques in conversations with old men.
• Don't fall onto deflating bounce house.
• Hit dessert table before kids.
• Take 34 pillows off bed before passing out.

Good, good weekend.

And to follow the non-stop crazy adventures, I plan on doing nothing tonight.  Absolutely nothing.  It's going to be great.

*Opposite Day.

We don't share everything

Corey and I are married.  And that means we are a team.  We live together.  We own a dog.  We provide for each other.  We use the word 'we' a lot.

But, we do not share everything.

"I need to go grocery shopping for (this and that and this and that)."

"That's fine, just keep in mind we're a little short on money."

"Why??"

"Well we had to pay our taxes and (this and that and this and that).  And then there was that speeding ticket we got..."




"We?"

Corey, just because I was in the car with you on Christmas heading up the highway to your parents' house does not mean I take responsibility for your lead foot.  If I remember correctly, I was passed out and drooling at the time you were clocked going 20 miles over the speed limit.

Thanksomuch.

Friday Confessions

Hello, Friday. 

I've been expecting you.

1.  I watched an hour long documentary on synchronized swimming at 2am.  It.  Was.  Fascinating.  Even for 2am.

2.  New York State legislators ruled cell phones to be distracting while driving.  Obviously they don't know how distracting I can be to myself.  I snapped out of a daze to find myself driving 39mph in a 45 with a dozen angry drivers lined up behind me.

3.  I dream of a microwave free world where I don't have to hide from dangerous rays in the farthest corner of the room while zapping a cup o' soup.  You don't want to know my reasoning.  It makes me sound crazy...

4.  There is horse poop in the grooves of my tires.

5.  Speaking of poo, Corey and I have hit that stage of our relationship where we show each other our...accomplishments.

"Hey, come here!  You've GOT to see this!"

6.  I put on quite a show for passing motorists on my drive home last night simply because it is impossible to not sing and dance while listening The Time of My Life from Dirty Dancing.

7.  On that note, I seriously considered not stopping at the gas station this morning, tank below empty, because the Bosom Buddies song came on.

8.  I am going to start driving 1.5 hours one way so that Oliver can learn how to dock dive competitively.

9.  I went overboard with the chocolate yesterday.  Corey,  the dear, packed a handful of Hershey kisses with my lunch to nurse my hangover.

10.  I love to eat batter.  My favorite is pancake.

Carry on, Friday.  Until we meet again....

A story of life or death, but I exaggerate

So nice of you to miss me when I am absent from blog world....mom.

It upsets me when things get in the way of sharing Corey and my daily adventures.  Things like sleeping.  Or bathroom breaks.  Or work.

Or traipsing all over Albany in the rain.

My boss recently decided her entire staff needed to be notaries public...?  Notary publics?  No-tee-tee signeroos?  And yesterday was the big test in Albany.

I was secretly thrilled, in the same way I was thrilled with my appointment to register-key-holder at Express.

"Yeah, I'm not quite a manager, but I can do returns."

"OOOoooo...."

There is just something about being able to do things other people can't and then rubbing it in their faces.  Like flipping your eyelids inside out or armpit farts.

So here I was secretly stoked while others in the office moaned and groaned.

Yes, sometimes my boss makes last minute, seemingly irrational decisions that affect us more than she is aware.

And yes, she is partially oblivious to most things.

But a boss is still a boss and suck-up brownie points are still suck-up brownie points.  So I dove into the 20-page print out of notary law stuff.  And then I screamed and threw it across the room.  Those things are not written in English.  Heretofore and notwithstanding is not English.

Then I dove into the study books from the library.

I saw things like:

It is a misdemeanor to refuse service as a Notary.

and:

A felony is punishable by death or imprisonment.

It made me wonder what the heck I was getting myself into.

And, are there really notaries public on death row?

In what instance does a case of forgery get you the juice?

Is any of this going to be on the test??

Shouldn't I be compensated more than $2 per signature if I am risking my life to attest documents?

Do I really need those extra brownie points?

Can I just have the brownie?

To make a long story even longer, I took the danged test and either passed or failed it.  I'll know next week.

Don't you love how my stories just end with very little wrap up?

Ten on Tuesday

1. What was your high school superlative (if you didn’t have one- what would it have been)?
Ha!  I did not stand out amongst my peers, yet if I had I could have been "Most likely to look/act/be the same 10 years later." 

Well whaddya know, it totally came true!!


2. What sports did you play in high school?
Soccer for a year, track for two years, golf for three years, and marching band (though not a sport, I just like to mention it as much as possible) for four years.

3. What was the best part about your wedding (if you’re not married yet, what are you looking forward to)?
Yikes.  I don't know.  It was all super great.  The ceremony was sweet, photographer was fantastic, first dance involved the best of '80s dance moves, father daughter dance revived the twist, food was to DIE for, Irish rock band (enough said), Hall of Springs was the shizzle...I simply cannot pick just one part.  It can't be done.

4. It’s your last meal– what Appetizer, Soup, Salad, Entree and Dessert would you choose?
App - Chili's southwestern egg rolls
Soup - Olive Garden's leafy, sausagy soup
Salad - I'll pass
Entree - the Thai chicken dish my dad makes with as many crunchy noodles as I want.  Mother.
Dessert - 7 layer chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and chocolate chips

chocolate

5. What song is your guilty pleasure?
Bon Jovi.  Livin' on a Prayer.  When he gets to "OOOooooh we're halfway there..." I fist pump.  It doesn't matter if I'm home, at a baseball game, in an airplane, wherever I am I fist pump.

6. What is your favorite professional sports team, and why do you like them?
Yankees, because they are the Yankees and I live in New York.  Duh.  Plus, it is impossible to not be a fan.  I tried.  But was won over by the incredible energy level of the fans and death threats to non-fans

7. What is your favorite reality show and why do you like it?
Oh, no no no no no.  I can't do reality shows anymore.  Had to call it quits when I started identifying with the ice road truckers.  Me and big hairy men should have little in common. 

But back in the day my favorite show was The Real World.  That was when I was younger than of all them.  Oh the shenanigans.

8. How would you classify your home decorating style (modern, classic, french country)?
Clean.  We (meaning Corey) run a tidy ship.  All of our furniture is very simple and lots of straight edges.  It is also borderline boring, which is why I am going to throw in an antique or two or fifteen.

9. Pizza- deep dish or thin crust? White sauce or red sauce? What toppings?
Eh.  I could take it or leave it.  If I take it, though, it should not be from Pizza Hut, Domino's, or any other chain.  Yuck.  And no sauce, please.  Or mushrooms.  Or animals.  Just gimme a white with every kind of cheese you can think of.  Oh, and a magazine because...well, you know.

10. Favorite weekend getaway within a two hour driving radius?
The in-laws' camp on Lake Champlain.  None of the amenities of home, but oh-so relaxing.

Happy Birthday Corey!

Here's to getting closer to that age where you "forget" how old you are or just flat out lie about it!
Yay!

I'm glad your birthday is today because I could really use some more cake. 

That's in addition to the strawberry pie, strawberry rhubarb pie and chocolate cake we already have.....

Friday Confessions

You're right, today is Saturday.  But I got my days all mixed somewhere near Wednesday and I was convinced yesterday was Thursday.  And that would make today Friday.  So, without further ado:

1.  I had a very awesome dream about Betty White and the cast of Bones....These are a few of my favorite things.  Dum da dum dum.

2.  Our next dog will have to be a Boston Terrier.  My mom fell on the floor just now.  I am not a small dog person, but these suckers are so spunky I just want to pick 'em up and squeeze the life out of 'em.  But in a good way.

3.  I drive by lilac bushes and think of how easy it would be to swipe bunches of flowers without getting caught.

4.  Corey's morning breath makes me gag.  He feels the same about mine.

5.  I still have a hard time with 'left' and 'right'.  If someone tells me to look to my left, I first have to look at my hands to see which one makes the 'L.'

6.  I'm not a fan of swearing....unless little old ladies are doing it.

7.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a man.  But not in the "I'm in the wrong body" way, more of the "what the heck could he possibly be thinking" way.

8.  I will tell others to eat right as I eat a brownie.  This negatively affects my credibility.

9.  I am going to bring in marching band tapes to people I barely know.  That's how "cool" I am.

10. Ask Corey how freaky I get when those awful ASPCA commercials come on.  Ask him how loud I screech to block out that terribly sad Sarah McLachlin song.  Oh, and ask him how much my fingernails in his skin hurts when he leaves the commercial on because he thinks I'm cute when I panic.

I'm glad I got that off my chest.  Enjoy your "Friday"!

He said wha...??

On Wednesday, May 5 (ahem, Cinco de Mayo) Corey surprised me with an outing to celebrate my 1/8 heritage!

Technically, I'm not sure if we're Spanish or Mexican, two very different nationalities, but we are so far removed I just say I'm Mexican.  Part Mexican.  Small part.  But I digress.

I received this notice in my email:

I love plans.  I love order.  I love direction.  This was a welcomed email.

We did have hot dogs on the grill and we did go to Hattie's for that frosty beverage that turned into four frosty beverages for a certain husband who will remain nameless.

I can't say for sure if it was the orange soda talking or if it was Corey being Corey, but this conversation did actually happen:

"Yay, it's Cinco de Mayo!"

"I know!"

"Hey, my birthday falls on Cinco de Mayo!"

"Uh....your birthday is the 10th."

"I know, isn't Cinco de Mayo a week long thing?"

"Cinco de Mayo means May 5th.  That's today."

"OHHhhh, I thought it was this whole week."

He then felt very embarrassed and told me not to tell anyone.

"But you know I have to put this in the blog, right?"

"I know."

Don't be fooled.  He loves the attention.

Three Amigos....y Hermanas

We create chaos.  Katie, Kimberlie, and me.  Always.  And I haven't quite figured out why.

But I know it can't be me.

There's no chaos when Corey and I are out together.

No chaos at my weekly ladies bible study either.

Unless someone brings brownies.

So, ok, I could technically be the reason our outings are so memorable.

But in my defense (and Kimberlie's since I blame most of our shenanigans on her bright ideas [Katie is too rational to cause problems]) any time you give three girls four unruly dogs and put them in nature, funny things are going to happen.

Like poop.  Poop is inevitable.  And responsible owners pick it up.  Unless the forward progression of a 75 pound dog decides otherwise.  Or when two dogs take you and your two arms in opposite directions.  In other words, when poop happens, when anything happens, with four dogs you have little control.

Especially when one of those dogs is a 112 pound wall.  Hey, what do you call a 112 pound Rottweiler?  Ma'am.  And you say it sweetly or she looks at you with crazy eyes.

But anyway, on Saturday we decided to take all four dogs, my Oliver, Katie's Mika (ma'am), Kimberlie's Jubilie, and my mom's Maggie, on a walk along the canal in Glens Falls.  It's a nice little trail, not a lot of traffic, and plenty of room to fetch sticks in the water.  Oliver played in the water, too.  I kid.  Seriously, the water was, like, 40 degrees.

Oliver and Mika walked/ran/swam/shook off dirty canal water alongside us off their leashes while Maggie and Jubilie stayed on theirs.  And all was well.  Until a jogger showed up.  Then the chase began.  I chased Oliver, Mika chased Oliver, Katie chased Mika, Jubilie chased Katie, Maggie chased a butterfly and Kimberlie's arms got pulled off.  The dogs were corralled, the jogger passed, and all was well again.  Until a dog and his owner ran by.  I chased Oliver, Mika chased Oliver, Katie chased Mika....and so on.

This was, by far, the least of our problems.

"So where are you guys going?"

"The canal.  It's that trail I used to run, back when I used to run."

"Is he going in the water."

"Yes."

"Ok.  Just make sure he doesn't get too dirty."

"He'll be fine.  I mean, what can he get into?"

Famous last words.

A swamp.  That's what he could get into.  And he did.  Right after Katie uttered these last words:

"Maybe you should keep him out of the water now so he'll dry by the time we get back to the cars."

Less than a second later I see Oliver run full speed, as if called by the stank of the swamp, into the heart of the muck, coating the entire underside of him in thick, black, rotten mud.

Channeling my inner telenovela victim I screamed bloody murder.....

"NOOOooooooooooAAAHHHHHHH!!  Dios mioooooo!!!"  (hand to forehead)

I ran around.  Frantically looking for a stick.

"STICK, I need a STICK!  Help me FIND.  A.  STICK!!!"

I found a stick. 

And then I waved it around like an idiot to lure my stinky monster out of the goop before he had a chance to marinate in it.  It worked.  Dog and stick found their way into the canal and I stood there speechless, mentally reviewing my simple instructions from Corey, crafting a believable story of villains and nudists and heroic rescues by fearless canines.

But then my concentration broke, and I saw Kimberlie gasping for air.  Apparently I caused quite a scene.  She stood there hunched over with tears in her eyes and a little pee running down her leg.

Wait, wha...??

Yes, pee.  Oliver and my perfectly timed comedic routine caused Kimberlie to wet herself.

And then I almost wet myself.

And then Katie rolled her eyes.

And then we chased our dogs to let a family bike by.

And then we walked back to the cars.  Pee spots and all.

Fun times....

Public Service Announcement

WARNING: Don't be my friend.

For real.

If you ever plan on getting married and your preliminary judgment of me leads you to think I may be an adequate addition to your wedding party, spare yourself the pain and agony I bring to the pain and agony of wedding planning by thinking twice about inviting me for coffee and a chat.

Seriously.

And this isn't my attempt at self-deprecating humor, which happens to be my favorite.  But I digress.

I am a terrible bridesmaid.  And bridesmaids are usually friends of the bride.  Which means I am a terrible friend.

But in my defense....nope.  I got nothin'.

I have only been in one wedding (besides my own) and my second will be in June.

The first disaster I blame on ignorance.  Not only had I never been in a wedding, I had only been to one other wedding before that.  So my basic wedding knowledge was -2.

How was I supposed to know bridal shower and bachelorette party planning were within my purview?  How could I have known wearing a pretty dress, standing next to the bride and dancing like a fool were not my only doodies??

But now I do know what is expected of a bridesmaid and I'm still striking out.

This next wedding is at the end of June and I just ordered my dress last week.  Which means it will barely get here in time.  Which means we have no time for a just-in-case plan.  Which means I could have no dress.  Which means the poor bride has one more unnecessary stressor.  Which means her hair could fall out.

I cause people's hair to fall out.

But it's completely unintentional and I blame it all on the little bubble of importance that I live in, all cramped and contorted because it really is that small.  My bubble encompasses things I allow myself to freak out about: eating, sleeping, Oliver, salmonella, suffocation.  Everything else is subject to my easily distracted mind.  Like preventing a friend from experiencing a series of panic attacks.

Save yourselves.

You've been warned.

Ten on Tuesday

I am feeling much better, thank you so much for asking.  And I do owe all three of you a pants-peeing story, however, today is Tuesday and we do certain things here on Tuesdays (ahem, see below), things that can't be changed because Lord knows how nutso I get when that happens.  Corey knows too.

1. Do you prefer markers, crayons, or colored pencils?
Tricky.  I use markers to draw, crayons to color in Sunday School with the kiddies, and colored pencils to shade in my marker drawings.  So, really, I do not have a preference.

2. As a child, how did your parents celebrate your birthday? (Parties, cake, you pick the dinner, etc.)
We did it all: pool parties, roller skating parties, surprise parties,  slip 'n slide parties, luau parties, etc.  My dad started a tradition where he would take us out to dinner on our day and shop for an outfit.  That tradition is on hold until we develop less expensive taste.

3. How do you feel about leggings?
LOVE.  But I don't wear them.  I look ridiculous.

4. How do you prefer to follow directions? With a map? Words?
Yikes.  I am bad with both.  Really bad.  Kimberlie and I got lost WITH a Garmin.  But I would say directions written out in word form is easier for me to follow.

5. What do you eat for snack?
Whaddya got?  My mid-morning snack is something fruity, my mid-afternoon snack is something salty, and my midnight snack is something sweet.

6. Have you ever ordered anything from an infomercial or bought any As Seen on TV products?
Oh yes, and I couldn't be more satisfied with my PedEgg.  It is probably the grossest product on the market (who can honestly look at foot shavings and not gag) but it has done wonders for my feet rocks.

7. What’s your favorite thing about summer?
Summer clothes.  That's a little shallow, but who doesn't feel good when they look good?  I'm not saying I'm the hottest thing in Saratoga, but my summer wardrobe is a million times better than my winter frump-wear.

8. Do you have a tattoo? What and where is it?
I DO!  It took 8 minutes to complete and I cried like a baby.  I have a little heart made to look like a birthmark on my left love handle.

9. Are you good at journaling?
Pppshhh, no.  I started several, got bored, and then used them for doodles.
10. What’s your favorite way to eat a hamburger?
Pickles, onions, ketchup, lettuce, thousand island, pickles, and pickles.  If it ain't messy, it ain't worth eating.  That belongs on a t-shirt.

Beware of cranky monster

Headaches.  Sheesh.

They just take right over your body, don't they?

Like your head is in a vice, your eyeballs in a juicer, and your stomach on one of those upside-down roller coaster rides you begged your friends not to make you go on but you do anyway because peer pressure is a jerk and you end up expelling the cotton candy, chili dog, and tater tots you swore you could not live without but now wish you had.

You know?

I have one of those headaches. 

It's keeping me from telling you something really funny about Saturday.  No, really, it was hilarious.  I mean, how many times does an adult pee their pants?  Like literally pee their pants?

But all three of you will have to wait until I can open my eyes again without the fear of vomit coming out. 

Out of my mouth, not my eyes.  I guess I should have made that clear.

Until we meet again...