Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Public Service Announcement

WARNING: Don't be my friend.

For real.

If you ever plan on getting married and your preliminary judgment of me leads you to think I may be an adequate addition to your wedding party, spare yourself the pain and agony I bring to the pain and agony of wedding planning by thinking twice about inviting me for coffee and a chat.


And this isn't my attempt at self-deprecating humor, which happens to be my favorite.  But I digress.

I am a terrible bridesmaid.  And bridesmaids are usually friends of the bride.  Which means I am a terrible friend.

But in my defense....nope.  I got nothin'.

I have only been in one wedding (besides my own) and my second will be in June.

The first disaster I blame on ignorance.  Not only had I never been in a wedding, I had only been to one other wedding before that.  So my basic wedding knowledge was -2.

How was I supposed to know bridal shower and bachelorette party planning were within my purview?  How could I have known wearing a pretty dress, standing next to the bride and dancing like a fool were not my only doodies??

But now I do know what is expected of a bridesmaid and I'm still striking out.

This next wedding is at the end of June and I just ordered my dress last week.  Which means it will barely get here in time.  Which means we have no time for a just-in-case plan.  Which means I could have no dress.  Which means the poor bride has one more unnecessary stressor.  Which means her hair could fall out.

I cause people's hair to fall out.

But it's completely unintentional and I blame it all on the little bubble of importance that I live in, all cramped and contorted because it really is that small.  My bubble encompasses things I allow myself to freak out about: eating, sleeping, Oliver, salmonella, suffocation.  Everything else is subject to my easily distracted mind.  Like preventing a friend from experiencing a series of panic attacks.

Save yourselves.

You've been warned.

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