Tuesday, August 31, 2010

A Concerned Viewer

Dear Hallmark Channel Executives,

First let me say I do appreciate the Matlock movie marathon aired Sunday night.  I now have enough of my favorite aged attorney saved on my DVR to last me through next week.  I haven't yet seen which episodes were recorded, but I really hope one of them is the beach one.  You know, where Ben's daughter goes on vacation and one of her friends gets killed by the other friend.  It's my favorite.

But getting down to business, I do have a very grave concern regarding your programming:  you're senior-targeted advertisers are scaring the crap out of me.  I understand the elderly population makes up a majority of your audience, thus influencing advertising, but if I have to watch the Little House on the Prairie mom tell me one more time how hard it is for her to get in and out of the tub, I just might have to forgo Matlock altogether.

What's the big deal, you ask?

I am 28 years old.  And unfamiliar with the labors of the aging process.  I did not know I will have to get a door installed on my bathtub because I won't be able to lift my leg a foot and a half to step in.  Or that only AARP can help cover the enormous medical bills Medicare won't.  I was shocked to find out I will lose my hearing and will need the Six Million Dollar Man's radical new hearing aid, but delighted to know I can get a power scooter for free.

Wilford Brimely tells me I'm going to get diabetes, and what's this business about falling and not being able to get up?

I didn't want to know I am going to lose all control of my hearing, my bladder, my blood sugar and the muscles in my legs, so to cope I filed that information away in my stuff-that-happens-to-other-people category.  But this product hit too close to home, the last straw, if you will:

The girls shown in this commercial resemble me in the very near future.  (If you wish to view it yourself please click here.)  Am I to assume I will grow wings in my 30s?  Because the lady telling me how to keep them tucked into what looks like your choice of black or ivory sausage casings does not specify.  Should I avoid muscle development in that area to avoid "roomy" skin once I discontinue all physical activity and my muscles atrophy?  Again, no direction in the commercial.

I do not expect you, Mr. and Ms. Big-Wig, to answer my questions.  All I am asking is for a little consideration for the three of us under 30 in your viewing audience when it comes to advertising.

Might I suggest soliciting a Cookie Crisp or Polly Pocket commercial to balance things out?

Thank you for your time,

A Concerned Almost Thirty-Something

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