Change of address

Hi.  It's me, Stacie.

I know I haven't been around in awhile, but things got pretty busy over here.

I had this craft show, and I felt it was necessary this year to, you know, have some goods to bring with me.  So that's what I did.  I scrapped the blog thing to do the jewelry thing.

And now I'm back doing the blog thing, but over at another site: www.sjloriginal.blogspot.com.

Don't worry.  It's totally legit.  And there will be plenty of the same ol' schtuff because I'm still married to the source of most of my material.  In fact, just a few days ago I was summonsed to investigate a strange bump on Oliver-dog's stomach, which turned out to be a nipple.  Corey didn't have a dog growing up so he wasn't aware O would have several.  Needless to say he was relieved these "weird white bumps" weren't something more serious.

Oh Corey.  You make me laugh.

And he can make you laugh too.  Somewhere else.  So go there.

We'll be waiting :)

Friday Confessions

1.  I cut off a gentleman Tuesday morning who was not planning on letting me onto the highway.  My first instinct when receiving the "what the..?!" hands was to give him spirit fingers.

2.  Sometimes I question my instincts.

3.  And my driving abilities.

4.  Guilty pleasure, movie edition: Don Juan DeMarco.  Cheesy, oh yes.  But the hunk-factor of Johnny Depp in this movie is off the charts.

A close second: A Walk in the Clouds.

Color me hopeless romantic.

5.  I've been super busy getting ready for the LARAC craft festival one week from tomorrow, but as of right now I do not have a single necklace assembled.

I sell jewelry, if you didn't already know.

Whoopsie.

6.  I use "your mom" in more arguments than I should.

7.  I can only drink half a cup of coffee.

8.  Pet peeve of the moment: every single thing certain people do. 

You won't know if it's you, but just in case, stop doing what you're doing.  It might be driving me crazy.

9.  Sometimes Corey wants me to sit in the living room and watch TV with him.  So he turns on a game and I watch sitcom reruns on the laptop.

Compromise.

10.  Here's a little too much background for something that might be amusing to only myself: I ran across an old Missy Elliot song last night, you know, the badonkadonk one.  Despite feeling icky about the lyrics I used to know (girlfriend is nasty!) I still sang along with the parts I remembered, which led me to the chorus and my favorite nonsensical lyric:

"....I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it.  Is your feminipiflam yet?"

"Is your feminipiflam yet?!"

I have no idea what the actual words are that she's saying; I like this version better.

....

Happy Friday!

My thoughts, exactly: Quaker 'n snacks

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Quaker Oats for SocialSpark. All opinions are 100% mine.

Mmmmmm.  Now doesn't that just tickle your fancy?

And make your stomach growl?

And possibly remind you you forgot to unplug the curling iron?!

?!!?!

I digress.

This is the new Quaker Soft Baked Bar made with real fruits and nuts.  Go ahead.  Take a look.  A good, long look at your new breakfast snack because between the fusion of flavors and 5g of fiber, 6g of protein, and B-vitamins you've got yourself something you'll actually feel good about eating.

Why, yes I did just say fusion of flavors.  I don't even regret it because that's what happens: they take cinnamon and pecans and fuse them into something beautiful.  Then they made the same magic with bananas.

But they had me at pecan.

And 6g protein.

But mostly pecan.

Hey mom, did you see this?

She drinks those Carnation Instant Breakfast shakes in the mornings; easy to make and take.  But oh the possibilities with a Soft Baked Bar! 

Hey mom, pop this sucker in the microwave and tell me it doesn't knock your pantyhose right off.

But that's an experiment for another time.

Enjoy, people...wholesome food you can take with you!

This DID just happen

Corey decided we had too much milk last night.

His solution: cake mix.  Both chocolate and yellow.

Corey: "Do you think the eggs are still good?"

Me: "Probably..."

C:  "I mean, when the power went out we didn't take them out, so they should be ok, right?"

Me: "Put water in a bowl and see if they float.  If they don't then they're fine."

Corey fills bowl.  Inserts egg.  Sinker.

C:  "The egg is at the bottom."

Me:  "Then they're fine."

C:  "Are you sure??"

Me:  "Yep."

C:  "??"

Me:  "I read it in several places."

Corey adds eggs.  Stirs.

C:  "Are you going to eat this?"

Me.  "Yeah, why?"

C:  "I'm not.  It just seems funny."

Me.  "Gimme a break!  The thing sunk, the eggs are fine.  Call your mom if you don't believe me!"

C:  "Hey mom...(chatter in the other room)....ok thanks. Don't worry beetle.  The eggs are good."

The results are in....

Congrats to E and Betsy!*

You each won one of these beauts to wear for days at a time because they're so light you literally forget you're wearing it.

And Thank You to everyone who donated to my Relay For Life team...I reached my goal and we all did something pret-ty good.

Go ahead.  Pat yourself on the back.

And if you call yourself E and you chronicle your daily happenings in Portland, email me your address: staciejlucas(at)gmail(dot)com.

(Bets, I think I know where to find you!)

Keep on keepin' on!

...

*there were some commenting issues so I included everyone who donated.  period.

Solving the world's problems one felt ball at a time

Off-topic: have you seen this dude, Flula, on Youtube yet?  I spent a good 25 minutes watching his videos and now everything I think has a German accent.

Google Flula and rock, paper, scissors.

Or Flula and Jennifer is a party pooper.

"Jennifer poops at parties?!"


But I digress.

People, you have just three days to donate to Relay For Life to find a cure for cancer!!

Oh, and to win one of these!

Click here and follow the directions to win one of two of these handmade, 100% merino wool necklaces from your's truly.  It's easy: after you click on the thing you go to a previous post, click on another link that takes you to my Relay page, donate some money, I'll scream "THANK YOU" all the way from upstate New York, then come back and leave a comment.

I guess you can leave the comment before you make the donation.  That would save us some time, wouldn't it?

Low entries so far, so there is a pret-ty good chance you're going to win.

And if I man say so, these necklaces are cool.

And, of course, cancer is really bad.

So go do your thing.

Cel-e-brate!!

Friends, this is a day for the history books!

One that I will remember until I forget!!

A day that brings Corey & Stacie to the masses!!!

....

No really, this is huge.

Well, I mean it's huge for a certain population.

Like, um, those who are concerned about the appearance of their upper arm area.

But I'm sure that is soooo many people.

Try this (don't worry, it's 85% safe), Google "arm fat crease."  Who do you see??

Hmmm?  I'll give you a minute.

....

So??

Who is it that pops up right under a probably very reputable and informational site on the subject of arm fat?!

It's this girl!!  So exciting.  On the subject of arm fat creases I have found my way up the ladder to the number two position of authority on the condition.  It's not something to take lightly, folks.  People look to me before they look to someone else after realizing that I am, in no way, a professional, and that is the highest form of flattery.

So today I'm going to give myself a little pat on the back, let myself know the journey to the top isn't over, and then set off to work on bringing "brownie turd" up to it's rightful number two spot.

Onward.

About that dream...

Raise your hand if whenever you say "I had a dream last night..." you then sing "cuz it looked just like a dream" from the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack that you still listen to because it reminds you of the best movie of eighth grade even though you get all weepy because Leonardo DiCaprio dies at the end.

Me too.

So, I had a dream last night that I pooped on the couch.

Friday Confessions

1.  I haven't been skipping "Confessions" because I've been an angel the past few weeks.  I've been skipping "Confessions" because I was on vacation, and then I was getting ready for vacation, and then I just plain forgot.

2.  Phew.  Glad I got that off my chest.

3.  On Monday I took my car in to get inspected.  I noticed a few weeks ago that "February" was punched, as in that is when it expires.  After dropping it off I got a call from the repair shop:

"Uh, hey this is Bob from Warren Tire..."

"Hi."

"We pulled your car in for that inspection and, um, it was just inspected in February."

"What??"

"Yeah, I mean, unless you want it inspected again, it's good until next year."

I completely forgot.  And not only did I forget, apparently I can't read either.  "February 2013" written on my sticker makes it pret-ty clear when I'm supposed to taker her in again.

4.  I was embarrassed.

5.  I was driving to the mall with my sister, Kimberlie, and we noticed a brightly decorated store called The Monogram Hut.

"Isn't that where they squish your boobs??"

6.  When stuff like that happens I make sure to call everyone I know.  I can't be the only one peeing my pants.

7.  Now I have to stop and actually think before I spell the word monogram. 

8.  I've honked at several people over the past few months for not yielding on the on-ramp.  I kept thinking, "that yield sign is so obvious, why do these people keep ignoring it?!?"

That sign is for my lane.

9.  I should probably have died at least seven times by now, the way I drive.  I play out this hilarious scenario in my head: so there's Jesus standing in Heaven and he's talking to these exhausted angels.  He's like, "guys, I know she's a train wreck," and they're going, "no Jesus, you don't get it, she puts her feet up on the vents to air out her toes,"  and then Jesus goes, "gross, I know, but you gotta keep on truckin', you know, because I need her later."

I have, like, 17 guardian angels where you probably only need one.

I'm not a good driver, is what I'm trying to say here.

10.  I just made Corey's day.  He's been saying this for years.

And speaking of Corey, he just had a birthday yesterday...Yay!

...

Happy Friday to all!  And don't forget you still have time to enter to win one of two necklaces made by me!  All you have to do is, you know, fight some cancer.  Go Here.

Fight Cancer With ME!!

I wear sunscreen.

I don't smoke.

I exercise regularly.

I stand at least five feet away from the microwave when it's in action.

I avoid "mystery meats" and growth hormones.

I have good intentions to eat vegetables and other foods packed with vitamins and antioxidants.

......

I'm scared of cancer, is what I'm trying to say.

I try to avoid it like, well, cancer.

In my list of fears a diagnosis in myself or someone I love is definitely in my top six.

(The Dark is ahead only because it's one of those unavoidable things; it is going to be dark, and that is where serial killers live.)

It literally scares the pants right off of me.  If you said, "Hey, did you know wearing those pants causes cancer?" I would take them off.

And then I would harass you and your mom and your best friend and your neighbor to take all of your pants off too because it would hurt me to see you hurt.

Of course, we would need to find a pants alternative, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

It's this persistent fear that calls me to act.  And to give.

Now, I don't have a lot to give, but I do have some money, and I have some time.  And I know people who have some money and some time too.  So we're getting together to find other people who have money and time....and I think you can see where this is going.

Give some money, people.  If you haven't already donated to a cancer organization, and there are many reputable charities out there, donate to my Relay For Life team.  We are the Super Hearted Heroes led by a survivor who won his battle against cancer.  (Yay!)

And as a thank you I'm giving away two of these felted wool necklaces in mint to two random folks who make a donation.*

I'm still working on a catchy slogan for my campaign.  I don't think "Felt Up For The Cure!" is gonna fit on a button.

Maybe a t-shirt.

So while I work on that, here is what you can do: go to this page, donate a few of your hard earned dollars (but let's make it a little worthwhile, people), come back here and leave a comment like "hey, gimme that necklace" or go simple with "I donated" or be a radical and tell me how cool I am.  Whatever floats your boat, as the cool-kids say.

Giveaway ends 5pm Eastern Time Friday, May 25 and I'll announce the winners ay-sap.

Let's Fight with Felt!!


hey, that just might work....

*necklaces are made by yours truly from 100% merino wool, so they won't be all rashy.  did you know merino sheep have the softest wool of all the sheep?  you're welcome.

My what looks like WHAT?!

Your crotch looks like applesauce.

Um, why thank you.

Of all phrases to use in a Google search 1) why these exact words and 2) why would these exact words bring people to Corey 'n me?

Brownie turds, yes.

Arm fat crease, of course.

But applesauce crotch is not a topic I believe we have covered here on C&S.  In fact, the word "crotch" feels as dirty coming out of my keyboard as "indicator" or "lady smile" would.  And a comparison to applesauce....I just can't make that connection any way I try.

Enlighten me, friends.  I watch Matlock and wear yoga pants that come up to about the middle of my ribcage; I am not hip, is this applesauce crotch what the cool kids are talking about these days?

Eagerly awaiting your reply,
An un-cool kid

Things are happening here

Hello friends.

After very little deliberation because I tend to make impulsive decisions I've decided to take a new direction with the blog-thing:

Jewelry.

...and antics.

With videos.

...and antics.

And a splatter of tutorials.

...and antics.

Obviously I can't escape the day-to-day shenanigans at home; a certain someone I am married to is going to dance around in his underwear and socks, and a certain blogger is going to get her hair caught in a blender.  I can't, in good conscience, keep this to myself, so there will be an element of "married life" to my new gig.

But this new "gig" won't be starting up anytime soon.

I work at a comfortable pace.

So until we're all up and running, just hang on to your britches, giggle to yourself because it looked for a second like I said b*%$ches, get a good belly laugh in there when you think of how that phrase would have sounded if I had typed b*%$ches, and well, just wait because, um, there really isn't much else to do.

I'll see you knuckleheads on the flip side.

Which will be tomorrow, because I have a very disturbing question to pose.

A penny saved is a penny for my wardrobe

I ended a relationship last Wednesday.

...

A four year relationship.

With my smartphone.

It was like giving up an appendage.

Or cable TV.

Or chocolate.

But I exaggerate, really.  It wasn't hard and I rarely notice a difference.  Sure I can't immediately post my thoughts on the economy or the importance of grapefruit to Facebook.  And I can't catch up on celebrity gossip while I wait for my coffee at Coffee Planet.  But I wouldn't consider any of that enriching, anyway.

What is, you ask?

Saving $30 a month...it's en-riching!

See what I did there?

No data plan on my phone bill also frees up several minutes in which I can spend actually communicating with those around me.

Like the girls at Coffee Planet:

"Um, are the bagels good here?"

And Corey:

"Soooooo....."

And even the dog:

"Stop licking that."

The only downside is that I have this ridiculous looking phone.

The Pantech Jest 2; it's the size of the palm of my hand and takes excellent pictures if I do not intend for them to be seen.

I've also butt-dialed myself and many others several times.  It's a sacrifice we all have to make for the sake of my wardrobe...because that's what money saved is for: Frye boots and coral skinny jeans like Kate Middleton's.

That's how I would prefer to be enriched, anyway.  Who needs hand-held access to junk mail when you can have coral skinny jeans?

A question we should all be asking ourselves...

Friday Confessions

1.  I took a mental health day on Wednesday; the one day this week that was supposed to be rainy and miserable.

I did that on purpose.

2.  Then I got mad when the stupid sun came out.  It meant I had to put clothes on and walk the dog.

3.  I watch trash TV when I'm home during the day.  And never was it more trashy than Wednesday: "judge" Gloria Allred heard the case of the "Sex Toy Lady," (as she calls herself) suing her customer for not paying for vibrating panties.

It gets better.  The customer then counter sued for said panties malfunctioning while driving and causing her to crash her truck.

4.  Today is my youngest sister's birthday!  I have no idea how old she is...

5.  When she sees this she's going to wonder why on this day I thought of her after vibrating undergarments.

My deepest apologies, Kimberlie.

6.  I took the bangs plunge on Sunday even though a majority of you told me not to.

You were right.

I look like I did in the 6th grade picture of me hanging in my parents' basement.  I'm trying to get used to them but I'm afraid I made a very bad decision.

You should have done more to stop me....shame.

7.  Sometimes I eat cake balls with wild abandon.

8.  Ditto for Cheez-Its.

9.  I found myself muttering a Saved By The Bell line all morning.  This happens every now and then.

10.  Good Morning America makes me late for work almost every single day.  But in my defense, I'm getting valuable information; like how I can get a song sung by Elmo with my name in it for free. 

That's a savings of $3.50....!

....

Happy Friday, friends!

Now he smells powder fresh

Last weekend Corey and his buds went out to Vegas for a few days, and since coming home Sunday night he's slowly started to unpack his bag. 

A few things here, a large laundry dump there.

But then this morning as he was reaching into his little black toiletry bag I noticed something out of place.

A little blue something.

Powder blue.

So then I says to myself, I says, "why on earth would Corey have a powder blue anything? This deserves further investigation."

And this is what I found:

"Corey, why do you have this??"

"What?  I needed deodorant for my trip."

"But why women's deodorant?"

".........I thought it smelled a little funny."

...

Boy's minds work in mysterious ways.

Friday Confessions

1.  Yesterday a man I've dealt with in the office before walked in the door and said, "they haven't fired you yet?"

There are some funny people in the world.

2.  A few years ago I was driving down the highway with my sister, Kimberlie.  She had fallen asleep and I thought it would be hilarious to scream at the top of my lungs.

It was.  She woke up thinking we were dying.

3.  I laughed a little more about it today.

4.  Sometimes I get nostalgic for the 70s.

5.  I was born in the 80s.

6.  Today I'm giving up my Verizon data package for a carefree unattached life with a dumbphone.  Although I'm not yet sure how this will work with my Facebook addiction.

7.  No, no.  I'm not addicted to Facebook.  I just feel the need to check it every twenty minutes. 

And sometimes in between.

8.  I know why this season is called March Madness.  Actually, I've known for....hey Cor, how many years have we been together now?

I've known for what feels like 30 years.

9.  Favorite joke of the moment: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino.

It's, um, funnier if you say it.

10.  Every morning I sign on to Blogger and not-so-secretly hope Corey & Stacie went viral while I was sleeping.

"Not today!"

A girl can dream.
...

That's all folks, happy Friday!

At least I can read stop signs now

Hey.

Wanna see something funny?

Walk behind me when I go up or down stairs.

It's hilarious.

I just picked up my new glasses today and my prescription was tweaked slightly; for whatever reason my eye doctor decided I needed to see my feet as much farther away than they really are.  The ground, too.

So when I left the doctor's office I practiced walking with my new, longer legs.  It was like walking for the first time all over again. 

Although, I don't remember the ground making me nauseous the first time.

The joys of being imperfect.

On careers and enchiladas

Corey and I are part of the cool-kids club.

We got ourselves a laptop.

This laptop.

A 15" Macbook Pro.

I'll tell you what, that darned talking dog Youtube sensation never looked so good.

Neither did the metal filing cabinet or the wicker patio furniture set I found on Craigslist.

Because that's why you get fancy computers; to make impulse Zappos purchases and watch online sitcoms while your husband forces you to sit through March Madness.

I kid.

Eventually, I plan to get my graphic design on, which was my whole argument for getting this exact model.  It's better at doing...something.

I need training first.  Obviously.

But then it's off to a semi part-time career in freelance work for independent artists (like me!) and non-profit organizations.  Not exactly where the money's at (excuse me, my preposition is showing), but if it covers my Mexican take-out habit I'll be satisfied.

It's all about putting food in the belly.

Food smothered in mole and enchilada sauce.

And that only took me eight years after my college graduation to figure out.  I mean the career part, I've always known tamales were a way of life.

So if you'll excuse me, I need to go figure out what I'm supposed to do with my right-clicking finger if there is no right-clicker.

I can see your roots need a touch-up

I'm coming to you with a new perspective today, one from four-and-a-half inches above.

Literal inches, not like out-of-body-hovering-over-myself-viewing-the-world-in-a-whole-new-way metaphoric inches.

This girl is the proud new owner of a pair of blue, scaled leather Mary Janes from Anthropologie with a heel that just don't quit.  It was one of the few splurges I will allow myself this year, the others being a new dress for the summer and a flavored latte every other month.  I let myself go a little crazy sometimes.

But I'm able to justify my splurges:

• I rarely shop for clothes or shoes for myself
• when I do shop I only buy on clearance
• my closet is a frump paradise in desperate need of updates
• I work two jobs, essentially
• I'm a girl

That last one is important; it's in my genes to want new jeans.

See what I did there?

And now, with my beautiful new shoes I've satisfied an instinctual craving for something pretty, and sassy, and outrageous.  No, I can't actually walk in them, but I can stand in them.

And stand I will.

Until I need to start shopping for my summer dress.

In ALL seriousness

Dilemma of my lifetime: do I get bangs, or don't I.

And I was pronouncing "dilemma" as "die-lemma" all dramatic-like.

It's what I do.

And bangs are a big deal, people.

It's short hairs on your face.  Short hairs that take forever to grow back if you realize they won't not frizz at the least appropriate time.

Not that there's ever a good time to frizz.

But it's also short hairs that take up that huge span of forehead I've grown.

This is my attempt to hide it with a side-bang, also an early experiment in whether or not I could stand having hair in my face at all times. 

I couldn't.

I've spent 85% of my life with my hair in a ponytail; hair away from my face is like a security blanket.

(And of the remaining: 10% was spent sleeping in curlers for pictures because my mom enjoyed torturing her children with poofy hair, and 5% of the time my hair is "done" and down, but that only lasts 15 minutes.)

But could I stand it if I had no choice but to stand it?

If you are the one male reader who actually made it through to this point let me take you through the Reader's Digest version of what exactly I'm talking about here.  See, a regular bang, the kind I want goes straight across my forehead with slightly longer hairs at the sides.  There are slightly different lengths, of course, depending on the look you're going for; shaggy dog vs. that style where you cut your bangs really short and then dye your whole head pink.

I'm somewhere in the middle.

But the side bang is a total cop-out.  It's like the cheater bang.  If you have a sloppy morning and you can't take the time to pull out every shorter strand of hair from your longer strands of hair to straighten it and make sure it lays at that perfect angle you tuck it in with the other hairs and a bobby pin and throw that shizz up.  In a ponytail.

Follow?

So I'll repeat my question: if I'm walking around all proud of myself for tolerating a side bang for, like, half an hour at the most, will I be able to stand a bang that can't go anywhere else because I have no other choice?!

Thoughts?  Opinions?  Hopes, dreams, and aspirations?!

Thank you for your time.

Friday Confessions

1.  I'm that awkward dope who fills in pauses in conversation with random facts like:

"Did you know Tom Cruise's name in Top Gun was Pete Mitchell?"

2.  I also used correct grammar in most situations in Jr. High which was the least cool thing I could do.  I believe that is where the awkward began.

3.  I'm blowing bubbles in my bubble gum right now.

4.  And at the same time thinking, "how much longer before I can spit this out without being wasteful?"

5.  Is is colon cancer awareness month everywhere else?  We have all these blue ribbons hanging up all over town to bring awareness to the importance of good bottom health and I can only wonder what made organizers choose blue over the more obvious choice.

6.  A few years ago I was asked to give a radio interview on the importance of colorectal screening.  This is me nervous before the interview, and this is me describing the mess it turned out to be.

7.  Sentences ending in prepositional phrases always remind me of friends my family had when I was younger from South Africa.  We thought they were sooooo cool and proper.  They would say stuff like, "make sure you bring your swimming costume," and "I need to go to the lou."  But then there was "would you like to come with?" and that's just wrong.

8.  I spit my gum out.

9.  I think this is worth mentioning again: when I got my wisdom teeth taken out the doctor hit a nerve somewhere and now the left side of my bottom jaw is numb.  If I don't watch myself brush my teeth I end up drooling all over myself.

True story.

10.  The fashion alert has been posted: Kate Middleton is wearing coral skinny jeans.  You and I can only benefit by wearing coral skinny jeans.

Did you pick up on some sarcasm?

Because I'm completely serious.

No, really.

....

Happy Friday, friends!

Three's a crowd

Corey left for Las Vegas today.  I think his nerves got the best of him last night.

2:30am
"Beetle, my stomach hurts.  I need the dog up here on the bed."

"(mumble grumble) ok..."

"Oliver.....Oliver.....Oliver....."

Our 75-pound Oliver jumps up on the bed and settles in between us.

"Beetle, move over.  You're crowding him."

"But I'm at the edge of the---"

"Shhhhh."

There is something about a man and his dog.

...and there's something about a dog's ability to gain full access to the best spot on the bed.

Hello, handsome

I have a new love.

Tall.

Dark.

Incredibly handsome.

And preferably in a size 8, please.

People, this is the boot of my dreams.  Pioneer Woman is giving one pair of the new Fryes away today and I'd prefer it if you did not go over and enter; you'd really spoil my chances.

I just wanted to show you my obsession for the moment.

That's all.

Have a nice day.

...

But don't enter PW's contest.

Thank you.

Friday Confessions

1.  Funny Google keyword search alert: smiley chicken poo.

What the....??

2.  I am putting my foot down.  No more coffee for me.  I finished off a 16-ouncer yesterday and I said things like, "whas up wit dat?" and my left eyeball almost popped out of my head.

I exaggerate, but I do think I called a congressman's aide a liar.

3.  I have bad caffeine trips.

4.  But at least I didn't hang up on a potential voter.

This week.

5.  In my defense, if you plan to accuse me of calling you a "crack whore" I'm probably going to hang up on you too.

6.  Guilty pleasure: real life crime solving shows.

7.  Guiltier pleasure: a marathon of real life crime solving shows.

It's almost like saying my favorite movie is Silence of the Lambs.

Weird.

8.  My youngest sister swears my other sister and I told her she was supposed to die when she was born.  I tell her she's completely delusional and that all we said was that she was the mailman's daughter.

9.  Our mailman was a woman.

10.  Today I'm allowing myself to place blame in all situations on solar flares.

"Why did you tell the Senator's constituent to sit on a tack??"

"The solar flares made me do it."

...

"Stacie...you didn't say any of your lines!!"

"Solar flares.  Not my fault."

...

"Beetle, why did you hang up on me??"

"Dang solar flares screwed up all the waves and stuff."

..........

Happy Friday!!

Favorite things revealed!

I love swaps.

Love, love, love.

"Get hooked on swaps not drugs," its my new motto.

Shirts to come soon.

Here's how it all went down: I got paired with Jennifer from Life with the Haas'.  She bought for me her favorite things, I bought for her my favorite things, we exchanged packages via the trusty postal system, opened said packages and squealed with delight.

I squealed.  Jen, did you squeal?

AnyChristmasinMarch, the following (in painful detail) is the unveiling of my goodies:

This is my seven pound package.  Seven pounds.

What else weighs seven pounds: babies, large chickens, a five-pound and two-pound weight.  Seven pounds is a lot, is what I'm trying to say.

(more on why blogger does not rotate my pictures at a later date)

Corey was almost more excited than me.  He wanted this to be like Christmas where he presents me with each gift.

A-dorable.

So I told him he had to be part of the pictures.

It may or may not have taken us ten minutes and more than five test pictures to get one "approved."

Eventually, we dug in.

Obviously, my swap buddy enjoys a little crazy time.  Slip sliding away?  Um, yes please.

I tried taking pictures of each item as I opened it, but eventually I realized blogger might not be able to handle the load.

Srsly, there was a ton of stuff in that box.

Round one:

• bubbles wand: I'm thrilled to the point of swearing.
• He's Just Not That Into You DVD: so funny she sent this; I hated the book, but only because I was in the process of being dumped.  Time has passed and I'm sure I'll love the movie too.
• Reese's Pieces Eggs: Corey has confiscated these.  He says, "thanks for the eggs Oklahoma!"
• Weirdo lip balm:  for real, this is the weirdest lip stuff I've ever seen, but I think that's why I love it. 
• Cosmo magazine: why yes I did have to strategically place items over graphic material!

Round two:

• scarf: it's brown with every color woven through and I am wearing it today!
• slipper socks: with grippers on the soles, or worn inside out for some indoor, wood floor skating.
• comfy socks:  I live in these kinds of socks in the winter and now I have two more to throw into the rotation!

Round three:

• foot scrub: I needed this like I need air; I'm starting to get older lady cracked, dry feet.  TMI, you're welcome.
• Goldfish crackers: um, why didn't anyone tell me they made sweet goldfish?!  Thank goodness Jen is here to bring me up to speed.
• Nutella to go: also confiscated by Corey and I oblige because he lets me share the funny things he says.
• lotion: smells very pretty and fits in my purse!
• body wash: it's the same scent as the body lotion my sister gave me for Christmas, which I used this morning.
• face mask: I love putting myself "in a mask" and this stuff is perfect because you have to peel it off.  Remind me to share my weirdo obsession with picking at peeling, sunburned skin of former and current significant others.

And finally, all together.

So much stuff!

A million thanks to Jen and to Mamarazzi for pairing us up and hosting a favorite things swap party!

It was my favorite.

Conversation is a lost art

I was at the other end of a rant last week.  A rant that did not involve me, but was a little heated and I do believe there were fudge-bombs.  I don't remember why the ranter was ranting but it was a topic that deserved proper rantification so I stood and listened until the following:

"Bippity-boppity stuff that makes me mad, bleepin' bleep!"

"Mmmhmmm, girrrrl."

"And so such-and-such and diddly doo-wop."

"Preach it sista."

"And she probably had her degree in something stupid like Communication."

"Um, my degree is in Communication."

"Of course it is."

Hilarious.

Ten on Tuesday

Time for fun and games with Chelsea's Tens!

1. What are your designated chores in your home?
I make the bed and walk the dog in the mornings, and wash and (sometimes) fold the laundry on Sundays.  I don't do much else because a) I've got felting to do or b) Corey beats me to it.

He loves chores.

2. What is your least favorite chore to do around the house?
I hate dishes so much I'm shaking right now.

3. What was your designated chore growing up?
DISHES.

4. Did you get paid to do chores or was your allowance connected to you completing your chores?
I didn't get paid nor did I get an allowance.  But if I remember correctly, I did manage to get everything I needed and some of the things I wanted.

Some things.  I never did get my Barbie Jeep.

5. If you had a bit of extra money, would you hire a cleaning person or would you save the money for something else?
I don't mind cleaning.  In the right mood and with the right toothbrush, I can have myself a good time.  And I'd rather spend $40 on a good pile of food.

6. What chores will you make your kids do around the house?
Dishes.

7. How frequently do you do laundry? Wash your sheets? Dust?
I wash our clothes every week and our sheets every two weeks, if not sooner.  There's only two of us but somehow we manage to create a lot of laundry. 

And I know I don't dust.  Corey...do you dust??

8. Do you have a designated “chore day” during the week?
Just laundry day, Sunday.  Otherwise, Corey does dishes three times a day, he vacuums twice a week when the mood strikes and one of us will clean the bathroom when the spittle on the mirror starts to impede the view.

9. What is your favorite chore–if such a thing exists?
Vacuum.  I love watching the little dog hair tumbleweeds disappear and the sound of dirt being sucked up is like music to my ears.

10. Do you do anything to help pass the time while doing chores (music, TV, etc.)?
I sing to myself, sometimes I dance, otherwise I watch TV.

...

This was fun, but I'm not sure Corey likes a reminder of just how little I do around the house.

Whoopsie!

Weekend Wrap Up: a Murder Mystery Weekend

Here's a whopper of a weekend wrap up for you:

I did a play.

And then I did a play.

Ditto.

And now it's Monday again.

Thrilling.

Yes, for me as well.  But this amazingly complicated schedule took its toll and I was falling asleep at 7pm last night.  Sunday night.  As in the night I revive my very real fear of zombies taking over the world.

So I woke myself up by diving into a very exciting pile of laundry until my show started at 9pm.

For the record, I am not happy about Dale's departure, however if he had to go the show's creators could have at least let him become a zombie and take Shane out with him.

I'm just sayin'.
...

But what was I really saying?

Yes, weekend show....yes.

Here is the synopsis of Murder at the TonyLou Awards (and my life for the past 7 weeks):

• guests arrive for cocktail hour
• celebrities arrive on red carpet
• interviews
• "who are you wearing?"
• dinner
• mingle with celebs
• sinister laughing
• flubbed lines
• awards
• flubbed lines
• awards
• sinister laughing
• someone dies
• "whodunnit?"
• "she/he dunnit"
• bow

Ta-dah.

We do, actually, present more of an exciting write up for the press and for those who are, you know, interested in coming.  You, my friends, get the Reader's Digest version.  But this is what we do, and we'll do it next weekend, the weekend after that and the Friday after that.

And then, you'd better believe it, I'm taking myself a full-day siesta.

Don't even bother me unless my eyebrows are on fire. 

In that case, put 'em out quick so I can get back to Matlock.

Friday Confessions

1.  I went to the eye doctor this morning and walked out with a sample pair of contacts on my eye balls to try out for a week.  After going exclusively glasses for four years I am now finding myself still trying to push them up the bridge of my nose.

2.  Would that be "phantom glasses"?

You know, like "phantom limb"?

Bad taste, Stacie.

3.  It's kinda like in college when I finally took out my nose ring but kept sticking my thumb up my nose anyway to make sure the screw part wasn't sticking out.  Finger in nose with nose ring: normal.  Finger in nose without nose ring: weirdo booger picker.

4.  Why, yes I did almost drop my phone in the toilet last week.

Thank you for reminding me.

5.  I made a habit out of accidentally dropping important things in toilets several years ago; underwear, bunny tails, etc.

6.  For some reason my headlights are not lasting more than a few months before burning out.  Yesterday while circling a parking lot an old man passing me motioned for me to roll my window down:

"Your headlight is out."

"Oh, I know.  Thank you."

"FIX IT."

"Um, ok...."

7.  People in this area a very serious about headlights.  I would like to say this is the only time I've been yelled at by strangers for this reason.

8.  Last year a disabled couple I let cross the street in front of me turned around and with their gums clenched told me in so many words to get myself to the nearest auto repair shop and have my dead bulb replaced immediately.

9.  Tomorrow I send out a package of my favorite things to my blog swap buddy Jen.  Like me, she has a blog.  And she writes goofy things.  I'm half expecting to get exactly the same things in return.  Which would be more than alright because if I'm sending her my favorite things and she's sending the exact same things I would then be receiving my favorite things.

It's simple mathematics.

10.  Two-for-one confession: I gave up sweets for Lent but am having an ultra-blech week so I broke down and ate two small pieces of a giant chocolatey chocolate, heavy on the chocolate, cake.  Perhaps a slight punishment from above, the little leftover piece of frosting I just could not finish smells like feet and armpits.

Yum!

....

Have a lovely weekend and may all your dreams come true!

It's the sound of love...and angry beavers

It's almost hilarious how loud and chaotic our house is.

Almost.

As in "I would find this hilarious if I wasn't crying from sheer frustration-slash-exhaustion from needing a friggin' minute of silence already".

Equally knee-slapping funny: my house consists of myself, one grown man and a dog.

And possibly a nest of centipedes yet to come out of hibernation.

So between Corey and Oliver I find myself in a never-ending cacophony of ultra-loud talking, licking of one's privates, blaring music, random gibberish and the shaking to death of Christmas Bear.  At some point you would think one or both of them would tire and curl up in a ball at the foot of the bed.

No.

That never happens.

There is always a  panting head hovering withing five inches of my face at all times, and I am never unaware of Corey's location in our apartment:

"What time is your meeting?.....WHAT?!" shouted from the bedroom.

Or:

"Who was on the phone?.....WHAT?!" shouted from the kitchen.

These days I come home around 10pm and I find all of the questions and gibberish and licking and panting are bottled up and saved just for me in that magical hour of 11 o'clock which I normally devote to, you know, sleeping.

Hi-larious.

But deep down, like way down in there, past my secret love of Hootie and the Blowfish and sleeve tattoos I know this is just how the boys show me I'm missed.

And loved.

And special.

...

...but I really would like my sleep back.

Our Son

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Fine."

"You have rehearsal tonight?"
"Yeah."

"Did you eat your pizza yet?"

"No, not yet."

"Ok.  I'm down at Bensons (pet store).  Gotta get our son some treats."

"Our son??"

"Yeah.  Our son.  Oliver.  He's 57 years old."

"Oh Corey..."

Friday Confessions

Sadly, I have just one confession for today:

Over the weekend Corey and I got into a pretty heated argument.  Over what?  Probably something stupid like, "you know I don't like the word 'doodie'!" or "how dare you cut my sandwich into triangles!"

But what better a way to end an argument than to accidentally leave a fork in the microwave before reheating leftovers?!

I won't name names here, but it was the fault of the one who is lovingly referred to as a "dumpster fire" in the kitchen.

(Those who remember stories of flying cookie dough and various food items can probably determine who it was that almost set the house on fire.)

(And if you don't remember....it was me.)

...

Happy Friday friends!

I've been missing you!

Dear Friends,

I've missed you since I've been out to lunch.  And I don't mean in a turkey-sandwich-on-wheat-hold-the-mayo-in-between-phone-calls-because-the-crazy-doesn't-stop kind of way.

No I mean I've been running on auto-pilot for this entire month and I miss picturing your smiling face while you eat a buffalo chicken wrap just before you open up Corey & Stacie.

A typical day for Corey 'n me starts with a nice walk with the dog, some breakfast, a little work in the office, dinner at home, felting for me, a ball game for him and then Matlock for dessert.  Nice.  Easy.

But recently my day looks like this:

• walk dog
• pack bag of running clothes
• pack bag of wool and jewelry supplies
• pack bag of breakfast, lunch and dinner
• run out of house without brushing teeth
• work
• lunch
• work
• think about blogging
• get interrupted by homeless people
• 5pm!
• time to go home!
• no it's not
• run
• (paper) towel off in office bathroom
• sit in office: watch TV on Internet
• sit in office: felt
• sit in office: eat dinner
• 7pm, now it's time to go home
• nope
• rehearsal for murder mystery
• pretend to smoke Virginia Slims
• murder someone (or do I??)
• 10pm
• home
• Matlock
• pie
• 11pm, pass out with glasses on

Insert various meetings in "sit in office" time and that's pretty much what I can expect four days a week.  The other three days are filled with laundry, sleep and sitting without moving.

After so many weeks of this my brain gets tired.  It forgets things or refuses to function altogether.

Ok, so not entirely altogether.  I am technically still alive.  But my brain has missed a few crucial things.  Like blogging.  And zipping up my snow pants before heading out this morning.

14 degree draft = crucial.

So, in closing I hope you will take the following as a most heartfelt apology for my abscess:

"Corey, I hate the smell of your hair gel"

"What does it smell like??"

"Like sweet spit; it grosses me out."

"You do realize there isn't any spit in it, right?"

...

Your BFF,
Stacie

Friday Confessions

1.  In my spare time I like to browse the hairs on my head for little grays. 

And split ends.

And bugs.

Weird, right?  Ever since fifth grade I've had a very irrational fear of developing lice thanks to the teachers who put the Fear of God into us kids by threatening to take away the field trip of the year if any of us tried to bring our little "friends" along for the ride.

2.  That was before education reform.  I'm sure.

3.  I never did learn how not to use run-on sentences.

4.  But in my defense, I talk in run-on sentences.

That doesn't make it right.

5.  On Tuesday during our Valentine's Day dinner I drank a delicious glass of sparkling wine.  It's what I would call a one way ticket to Fartsville.

6.  I have to mention farts every now and then for my future reading pleasure.  Next year at this time I'll wonder what was on my mind waaaaaay back in 2012.  And when I stumble on this episode of Friday Confessions I will be pleasantly surprised.

7.  A note to Stacie of 2013 and beyond: remember how you wore those black leggings from Marshall's, like, a dozen time before you realized you can totally see through them??

Yeah, that was hilarious.

8.  Also during dinner on Tuesday the older couple next to us was discussing The Bachelor.  Had I not been consumed with shoving shrimp and bread down my throat I would have jumped in.

It was really good bread...

9.  My glasses are always dirty.

10.  I still have my 2011 calendar up.  And for just a moment, every time I glance up to see what the date is I really think it's Tuesday, January 31st.

But that is actually better than my other option: twelve months of hunky shirtless jockeys, which isn't exactly appropriate for, um, my office.

...

Happy Friday!!  I hope your weekend is full of sunshine, ponies and rainbows.

Bring on the chocolate, planet earth.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Enjoy your roses, chocolate, glass of wine, bottle of wine, fancy dinner, romantic movie, smooches, microwavable TV dinner, good book, or whatever your day has in store!

Unless you plan to spend Valentine's Day cutting your ex-boyfriend's head out of all of your pictures or stalking "the one that got away."  In that case, buy yourself some chocolate and let's all hope the day goes by quickly.

Friday Confessions

1.  My office chair made a "farty" noise on Tuesday.  I tried to recreate it so my co-workers would know it didn't come from me.

2.  I spent several minutes in a heated debate last Saturday on whether or not I was caught eating my boogers that one time when I was ten.

3.  For the record: I stopped eating boogies when I was three.

4.  My sister, Kimberlie, doesn't understand Groundhog's Day:

Kim: "So what does he see?"

Me:  "His shadow."

Kim:  "How do we know if he sees it??"

Jay with obvious sarcasm:  "He tells someone."

Kim:  "But what if the sun isn't out?"

Jay, more thick sarcasm:  "They bring out a lamp."

Kim:  "Wouldn't that give a false reading?"

5.  I had to get blood drawn and a tetanus shot at my check up on Monday.  Corey almost had to come to the appointment with me for this reason alone.  I'm what you might call a big wuss.

6.  But for realz, tetanus shots suck.  My left arm hurt for days.

Don't cry for me Argentina.

7.  I may or may not have found out who wins at the end of the Bachelor.  I am both kicking myself for spoiling the ending and relieved to now have two free hours on Mondays because there's no way I'm watching the rest of that train wreck.

8.  I won't ruin it for you.  Even though misery loves company.

9.  But I will rub something in your face right now: wanna know what my husband planned for us for Valentine's Day weekend?

An entire weekend away at the cozy Mirror Lake Inn in Lake Placid.

And I didn't even have to bug him.

This is where I'll come down for 3 o'clock tea and cookies.  Maybe I'll read by the fire for a spell.

Fancy a skate?  Why yes!  Indeed!

Mmmmm, I'll have what she's having.

10.  I apologize for that display of displaying.  I simply could not contain myself.

....

Peace out!

Ten on Tuesday

1. How do you feel about Groundhog’s Day?
I forget about it.  Every.  Single.  Year.   And then when I am reminded I worry about that poor little groundhog who is probably just wondering why he isn't hibernating with his cousins.


2. What color are your fingernails right now? (Bonus points if you include a picture.)
Brown.  And chipped thanks to some last minute pre-Super Bowl cleaning.

3. Do you like riddles?
No.  I hate riddles, hate, hate, hate.  They make me feel dumb because I don't have any patience to solve them.

4. When you were 10, how old did you think “old” was? At your current age, how old do you think “old” is?
When I was 10 my ballet teacher was 16.  In real time it seemed like she was 30 and practically dead.  But now that I see my parents in their 50s and active, my boss is in her 70s and very active, and myself nearly 30 and nowhere near death's door, I'd have to say 80's are old.

5. Do you wish on stars?
No.  I don't wish much.  It seems like time that could be better spent shoving chocolate cake in my mouth.

6. Do you recycle?
Sigh, no.  Although I dream of a day when I can have a multitude of recycling bins; including a runoff water collector and compost heap.  Oh to be green.....

7. On a scale from 1-10, how good of a cook are you?
If you ask me, I'd say I'm a fantastic cook; I love what I make!  If you ask Corey, who literally spit out my last quinoa concoction, he might have a different opinion.

8. Do you color your hair? Professionally or at home?
When I do get highlights I go to a friend of mine.  I don't get to sit in a fancy swirly chair but I do save a ton of money!

9. One a scale from 1-10, how do you rate your manners?
At home; negative 5.  In public 10.  Unless someone in my party burps out loud first, then that seal is broken and it's fair game.

10. Who are the last 5 people you have texted?
Corey, my sister Kimberlie, mom-in-law, and the girl who sells my jewelry.

...

Good times.

Have yourself a swaptastic day!

Well color me extremely excited today.

And not just because today starts the Crandall Library Book Sale where I found myself five books for only $7.

Girlfriend loves herself a deal.

But no!  Today this girl is playing the swap game with Mamarazzi and her friends!

What this means:

• starting today I get to collect gobs and gobs of my favorite things which may or may not include enormous amounts of chocolate.
• starting today my swap partner gets to collect gobs and gobs of her favorite things.
• in March we switch.
• then we open our packages and giggle and squeal like it's Christmas.

This is my first swap; I'm all aflutter with joy and anticipation!  So check back in March when I can tell you what my favorite things are...and then I can reveal what my swap buddy gave me!

And then you'll be like, "OMGosh what have I been missing out on all these years?" and you'll visit Mamarazzi herself and you'll laugh at her antics and you'll want to snuggle her adorable dog and sooner than you think you'll come across a swapportunity where you can give/receive oodles of pretty little things and the world will be a better place.

Story of my life, people.